you might as well be dead to me

if only i can say that.

my life has been changing a lot these past few months. For a few blissful weeks, I’ve work in this dream place of mine, the MDAE. I’ve moved to Jakarta and had a rental room of my own, made some new friends, renewed some old acquaintances and spent a lot of money, pulled by the only entertainment this city has to offer, capitalist happiness.

I’ve work with he-who-must-not-be-named and it’s a mixed experiences, full of happiness, jealousy, boredom and excitement. He’s left of course, and actually this day is his third week. It’s been hard for a first few days but I’m coping. I’m stronger than I thought, although I feel at times, empty.Usually that happens when I’ve nothing better to do or accidentally someone mentioned his name or I see it plastered in a magazine or newspaper. His name is very common, so it happens quite often. At those times, I smiled ruefully and banish the sadness that is sure to follow.

I saw his picture today with his family, and there was nothing remarkable about it. They’re not fancy family, unlike mine the regular ones, so they do not wear costumes or custom-made clothes. They donned black shirts and that’s basically it. I guess the bottoms must be jeans or other humble type of garments. But as usual, he stood out for my opinion. He looks kind but powerful in the picture, and have this look he sometimes bestow upon me, make me miss him even more. It’s not excruciating, but it is my constant companion. I hope he’s in a good condition there. I couldn’t bear to have him any less than that.

one thing about him, i really wanna met his okaasama, although as a stranger bump in onto another. I want to see her, the woman that he loves and esteems more than everyone else, and have shaped him into a person he is now.

on the less personal side, I’m on the final league of Jakarta Post’s selection process. I’m not sure if I’m gonna get in, although it will be hurtful not to, I want to get it and have this chance of being a great journalist I’m aspire to be.

but then, it might open another door, and all I”ve to do is to look for it.

I’m also a LO to SEA Games 26th now, but the uncertainty of the events is shocking, considering the height of the event. I will write about it later, the intensity of it is too much for one post.

but seriously, sometimes I just wanna shake the committee so hard their teeth will rattled, and ask “Really????”

 

it’s done

it’s done.

I reread some of my posts, ans I realized that I have thought about call the whole thing off for a few months now. I think it’s done. I should just stop doing this. I’ve to accept that the guy I’m involved with doesn’t want to be with me, at least not in the way I want. Failure is always to accept, especially when you have poured all of your effort and heart into it.

I didn’t realize at first how much I have changed. Then I came across a poetry I write for him on the month of November of 2010, and it took my breath away. Not only it was beautiful, it was so honest and full of happiness. I did not remember when was the last time I felt the blissful and pure feelings like that girl who wrote the poem. I didn’t know that I was once that person. I’m slipping away. I’ve forgotten the ideal love. Maybe I have compromised too much. And it pains me. What happened to me? How come I did not realized it sooner? Have I been blinded that thorough?

I really miss the feelings of being in love. It used to be so wonderful. But now, when I think about him, things that come across my mind are not beautiful at all. I think of the term and conditions, the would-be separations, the boundaries and the games, the missed expectations.

Expectations.

such a light word.

To put it fairly, I think I have my share of ruining this forbidden love. I had my expectations. I shouldn’t have any, and I was in a better understanding about it when I wrote him that first poetry. But as time goes by, my feelings for him grew. And it does not come alone. My expectations also flourished. Ah, had I realized it earlier, maybe it would not come down to this.

Writing always help. I’ve written the second poem. And it was beautiful too, but in a very different nature. Amazing what a mere 8 months can bring you. It still has the same sense of honesty, but much sadder.

The truth is, I am very tired. To be stuck in constant argument is very consuming, but add the phrase of constant argument with yourself, and it was more than a regular girl can bear.

I wonder, have I fought well? Have I tried enough? Have I this and have I that?

Is the act of leaving is a sign of weaknesses, or the very opposite of it?

What is it that I have for him?

Love? Infatuation? Obsession?

To be completely honest, I don’t know anymore.

I think I walk the path of destruction. And it will.

It finally dawns on me.

It’s done.

Tags: done done done

Marrying your bestfriend

The title looks so beautiful isn’t it?

Who wouldn’t want that?

A person who is converse-able. It’s like finding a complete package. Someone who is not only reliable and strong, mature and smart, and love you like a husband should be, but also someone that you can share your fears and silliness with, someone to make you laugh and to listen, someone who shares your liking and is able to appreciate it, someone who always got your back, someone who will tell you that your butt looks big in THAT MUST HAVE ITEM OF THE SEASON, someone that you can call in the middle of the night without having to be afraid of being reproached, someone who will tell you that ‘yes, you’re stupid, but I love you and I will be there for you to pick the pieces up’.

While husband is more ceremonious, isn’t it?

I know you are not supposed to be depended to one person, but if that’s your husband or wife, well, you might as well be depended on him or her, since you will spend the rest of your life together anyway, if you are lucky.

yes, we are not supposed to look for perfection, but it’s only something desirable

I want to bestfriend-ed a traveler and I want to marry my bestfriend!!

Life-long ambition.

I love to travel.

And i want to have a life with a huge color spectrum to define it. If you’re traveling with someone who knows you inside and out, wouldn’t it be perfect?

I have a silly little dream.

I am dreaming that someday, maybe on the morning of a long weekend, I will wake up and then snuggle up to a person next to me. I will give him a morning kiss and he will open his eyes, grunts a bit, and then lie still for a couple of minutes while wrapping his hands around me.

Then suddenly, an idea of spontaneous road trip will occur to us.

We will take a quick shower and grab our travel bag, always packed and ready, loaded with all the essentials you’ll need for a short trip, and then we’re gonna ride our car, just the two of us.

We might go to the mountain or a strange city or a beach. We might arrive very late and then got that stare from the concierge ‘are you crazy-this is long weekend-of course we are fully booked-no we dont have a room for you’ but we wouldnt care. we might fall asleep in the car, or perhaps ended up in a small privately owned hostel somewhere. it could be a small hut owned by local people or  beautiful bungalow, but it’s fine, we love the thrill of a journey.

After quick refreshment or maybe a good night sleep, we will venture around the place for the whole day, perhaps on foot or bike, and then, go out for a very nice dinner before tumbling onto our bed.

the next day, another long drive and go back to the comfort of our home, but refreshed and happy after the trip.

Well, the trip might not be perfect. Maybe we’ll get sun-burned, or runs out of money or the car broke down.

but that have the possibility of becoming the most memorable events on the whole trip, so let’s play along shall we??

Tags: adventure, dreaming, husband, traveling

missing you and consolation

ay, aq kangen.

honey, i miss you.

cherie, tu me manques.

kang, abdi sono.

schatje, ik mis je.

and etc.

they are all different languages,  but they convey the same message.

And today, I woke up and feeling that particular little tingling thing.

God, i miss you.

For what, I don’t know.

We argue a lot. But it’s ok.

not every argument is bad.

and also not every argument is good, in the sense of they do not leave me with a better understanding of you.

or just a happy feeling of manage to discuss about one important topic.

but again, it always nice to talk to you.

and btw,

I just read a book about how this girl feels about his long distance boyfriend.

Said how the guy is going away, and he says it in a very casual way, and she’s happy for him but still she is sad because of the would-be separation.

about how she doesn’t want to linger all day long missing him and feel the urge to move on quickly.

I can relate to that.

prove that you are not alone is everywhere. You just have to look.

sometimes it could be an article in the paper.

a long-lost line in an abandon novel.

casual sentence of a friend.

smile from a stranger.

or perhaps some odd post in a stranger’s blog.

Tags: miss you, separation, strong

Moving on

Moving on.

That’s either the most empowering phrase or a sad phrase.

Every end it’s also a beginning; every beginning, could be an ending for someone else.

rhetorical statements.

My situation is unique. Most people move on because they are ceased to be in love, because they broke up, because they’ve been cheated, or time changes them irrevocably and the used to oh-so-cute couple can’t spend a day together without arguing massively.

I am not. I’m still in love as ever. He still stay in my good side of the book. I still think of him fondly. Meeting him still give me pleasure. You know, the usual. And he loves me. I know.

But when you are involved with someone and the talk of goodbye, separation, and being independent keep popping, well, you can’t help but wonder.

I love being love. You know, it makes me happy. But there’s always a but.

I suck at goodbye. I always cry my eyes out.

I have no self-control whatsoever at the moment of goodbye.

CHILDISH.

I have to stop complaining and just get on with life.

I am no longer a child.

The talk of separation is killing me and I guess I have to get myself used to it so when the inevitable happens, I am ready.

Or just live the moments?

that’s a completely two different statements.

Live the moment or bear in mind the inevitable always??

When you have a taste of what a gem feels like, afterwards when you try less, you can’t help but compare, and everyone should be perceived in their own unique ways.

SHOULD.

Just be confident and try?

See this as a chance and not a liability?

Go and find yourself a chance.

Go.

Live.

There are other things in your life.

Enjoy it.

You are young.

I read something interesting today. When you depart from this world, it should be with a chocolate box in one hand and wine in others, in a well-worn body, not in a perfect condition and sigh,”What a RIDE!”

Tags: choices, independent, intersection, love

The babystar-Sunday lyric

it just brought tears to my eyes!

a friend just gave me this song, said that it’s his favourite song.

now it seems that it will be mine as well

I love the energetic melody, but mostly the lyric.

Can I say,”LOVE????”

so here it goes, taken from  http://mylyric.6te.net/lyrics.php?artistlyrics=The_Babystars–Sunday_english_translation

read it and tell me if you’re not in love as well!

The Babystars lyrics

Sunday (english translation) lyrics

Artist/band: The Babystars
Album:
Genre: Pop
Posted by: Che-Che

Even those worn-out words, I love you, take on a wonderful new meaning
When I use them to express my love for you; theyre words for you only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
I quietly pray that this lasts forever and you keep chatting

What do you like so much about me thats a hard question youve just asked
So for now ill stop watching the movie weve rented and just gaze at you

I love your fully blooming smile, even seeing it every day isnt enough
And thats without even mentioning that amazing body that looks good no matter what you wear

And thats just your looks, what about the important things inside you
You dont back down when youre pissed off and even snorting really annoys you
But theres so, so, so much more than that
I cant really describe it properly
I dont think you need a reason to fall in love
That parts a mystery to me, so please forgive me

Even those worn-out words, I love you, take on a wonderful new meaning
When I use them to express my love for you; theyre words for you only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
The more of this ordinary time that passes, the more comfortable we feel together

You pretend to be strong, so the fleeting tears you show occasionally are a white flag
When we dont say anything, its exactly that that keeps me from looking away

Sadness and pain
Of course life brings all kinds of things like that
But just your casual hang in there gives me strength
Whenever your little back trembles I hold you right away
Even if the scenery we can see from the window changes
Be by my side, terrible sleeping habits and all

Even those worn-out words, I hate you, mean the opposite to me
If its you saying them when youre sulking, theyre words for me only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
Ill say it one more time: I love you, all the time

Its a sunday like any other
Its an ordinary sunday
But its a special sunday

if you want the song, just google it and download it for free!!

Tags: awesome song!!, babystars, love, lyric, song, sunday

is love a losing game?

from Amy Winehouse’s song, which I happen to listen to right now, if anyone wonder about the similarity of the title.

and no, it’s not a review nor analysis about the lyric.

I never experience love and when I do, after some days of perfect bliss, it also brings me pain and makes me question my self.

It changes me. I am a different person, different girl.

a better one? not necessary.

I have a bigger heart perhaps, but it is also a bruised  one, here and there.

I understand the pain of feeling helpless.

I experienced the “oh-so-teenage-comic” phrase of choking with your own tears.

The pain in your chest.

The feeling of tension in your stomach.

Even nausea.

I feel that I am so stupid. why do I hang on to this?

but true, there are times when I feel so happy.

sometimes it’s not a big thing, but I still feel good about it.

God, what’s the balance in this?

Yes, I am an adult and I should take responsibility of my own action. That when I do and choose things, I know it doesn’t come without a cost.

But today, again, I feel a slap on my face.

I think I have to stop this.

Either to cut all aspects of this relationship entirely or make peace with it.

the fact is, that statement will always be there.

I wonder which action that will bring me peace in the end.

Ignore and simply forget about it?

or come to have a peace with it?

time will tell, will it not?

Tags: choices, happiness, honesty, independent, intersection, men, troubles