Black and White

Published November 8, 2010 by jasmilenka

Today I feel like I’m splitting into two. I feel that everything I do has double meaning, for me that is. I do something and that will bring me double effect, both are anti-thesis for the other and instead of creating synthesis, I left feel like I’ve done anything all day. Empty.

That is probably the best word to describe me these days. I feel like somebody is sitting on my chest all day, everyday. But I also have this empty feeling that I could not shake of. No matter what I do, it’s always there. I could be very happy, because naturally I’m a happy-go-lucky girl, but then after the moment pass, I will be back to the empty mode I once was. So I have to continuously trying to be happy, to occupy my mind. It works at times, but there are a few moments where I’m totally in the state of blankness, which I dreaded the most. I feel stupid. I don’t want to be like that, not ever. But my mind’s practically screwed right now.

I also feel like I’m a huge emotional wreck.
I’m not alone in this, because I’m sure there’s at least one person that also will feel the same out there, but funnily, that fact does not comfort me.
I do not desire a company in this. I want to be exclusive perhaps? only me. But I realize that what I want is not possible. It will not, maybe not ever, but definitely not now. A resolute mountain will not be shaken by a mere wind. It’ll only stand there with a ‘take it or leave it’ sign. I’m an adult, fully capable of making choices and therefore I have to be ready to accept the consequences. I’m not happy because of it, but I acknowledge the fact.
I’m no judge. Someday I hope I will be able to see the state what I’m now and laugh. I want to change. But now, I simply can afford not to. Not to be in this situation. Because I’m aching if I’m not and I don’t know if I can handle that.

God, could you lend me a hand?
Show me what to do?
I’m no ‘brain-nut’ but if Einstein was my dad, he would not be proud of me now.
Beethoven or Shakespeare might understand me better.
I am told that this will pass. That time will heal. But I also know that no one will help a person if that person does not help herself.
Do I simply think too much?
Should I just let it flow?
What am I supposed to do?
I’m in firmer position, yes, for the moment, but can anyone foresee what will happen?
but truthfully, today, I’m not worried about the future, not personally. Professionally, yes. But not personal. I just want to strive to get through this phase.
I have an angel to help.
I have to get back some the principle I used to have. I’m not yet compromising, but I’m now definitely in a strange water. I hope I won’t be here too long without certainty that will help save my sanity.
I’m no expert, so does it suppose to feel like this?

I love being love and I love to love. I expect and do both vigorously. Maybe that and the habit of always think too much. I just have to let loose. be the kid?
no, perhaps. But a sane girl with strong personality and determination and clear goal. I’m once closer to that kind of girl before, I think.
and I will get that position again.
God as my witness.

haha, don’t you just love being me? :p


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