yes, you. I just read a book about how a letter can change one’s life, and I couldn’t help but think that it has been several years since my last love letter. Not that I sent it, or think that this letter will arrive to the right person, and I don’t care, honestly. I love to express myself through writing and since I always get tongue-tied at the most imperfect moments, why try anyway?
I write this letter at my university library, when I should write my thesis instead. But I already got some readings that I have to read, eventually, and now the temptation is just too big. 🙂
Dear you. First, as all things best, you are definitely unexpected. I never plan to like you, or to admit you into my life. You are a peculiar person although in no means bad. Well, sometimes you bring the best in me, sometimes you bring the worst in me. But hey, at least thanks to you, I have got acquainted with them, with those sides. I’ve been not blind, but not enlightened. You bring some new knowledge about myself, things that I never in million years think that I will experience, feel, or do.
I am not a perfect person. Sometimes you praise me in things that I never knew I had in the first place. But the good things about you, well one of them, albeit you can be as cold as frozen fish, I never get the feelings that you lie to me, and I thank God for that, because I absolutely hate being lied to. If there’s any inconvenient truth, you will let it lie there, between us and will simply waiting for my response. You never act unfair or pretend to be something you are not. You are proud to be yourself, and not really care of what other people thinks. An admirable trait for someone who sometimes get panic rush over what other might think, aka me. But the amazing thing is, in the end, it is like the world shape itself according to your will. You don’t have to adjust, the world will. Always have been, perhaps.
You are special. You start your life in a hard way, I guess. You are like a mystery, a Matryoshka or something like that, but in your case, no matter how much I unveil your layers, there will be always something underneath. You think I am taking you as my idol and perhaps in some ways, I do. I am an ordinary girl after all, and like people around me, you are an anomaly that is always interesting to watch. Everyone need an everyday hero, anyway. You can be one 🙂
But it’s not that you are good in my eyes all the time. There are times when I hate you. I hate you because sometimes you are so cold, closed, and incomprehensible. I know that yes, you are not that type of person who lets his emotion let loose, but can’t you see that I need your confidence and trust, proved by your confiding in me? Sometimes I feel that it’s not the real distance that scares me, but the distance between our-yaiks-so-called hearts. I need to feel that in some ways, you are dependent on me, and not only me to you.
You are in my life, my friends’, my family’s. But will you let me into yours? How come things ends to where they are standing now? See, you make me a different person.
But also a better one. I think that knowing that there are so many great people out there, I realized I can’t lie on my back and doing nothing, those kind of stuffs I am inclined to do these days.
You believed in me. Why? I never know why you like me, why you love me, as you repeatedly say. I am no one. I am no different from the girl sitting next to me. Haha, I think it will be always a mystery.
Believe me, that I have so many things inside my head that I want to say to you. But if I let myself to say it to you, I am afraid it will damage the relationship that we have right now. I am afraid it will also bound me more to you, and making it more difficult for me to let go. I don’t know where this relationship gonna take me, or us on that matter, but I want to be prepared for everything.
I want to love you the best way I can, but with the capability that I have at the moment, and it shifts. It has the ups and lows.
Dear God, you are in my head and I wonder if I have crossed you mind, albeit as little as sands grain.
But anyway, I thank you for the time, advice, laugh, even tears that you brought me, and made me shed.
Because it make me the person I am today. As bad as it is, it is still me. One hundred percent.
Cant wait to see you,,
all my love,