dear life and my dream about Paris

Published April 1, 2011 by jasmilenka

dear life,,
you have shocked me recently by chains of events that… well, shocking.
I’ve encountered a lot of deaths and misfortunes recently, but I am not complaining, as much as I am not happy and wish for a better future, because I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

from encountering how one’s actions and stupidity can affect so many life, I’ve also encountered that recklessness can give you massive pain and lost of things money would never be able to measure.

It’s just weird to see people around you dying, you know? to see them bathed and then clothed and then buried. to realize that you will never hear their laughter nor talk to them anymore. to feel that bitter cold reality sunk in and to finally acknowledge first hand how human’s life is actually very fragile and can be taken in a blink of an eye. all of those events kinda make me want to be a better person, because I certainly don’t want to be remembered as a reckless person who has done nothing worthy of mention nor ever doing something that will make my parents proud.

speaking of proud, i feel like I have done nothing worthy of my parent’s approval lately. I gone to Singapore and fell ill, so I don’t bring any prize. I am in the process of writing my thesis and I hope i will finish my chapter 3 soon. I am determined that in the mids of April, I will start my chapter 4.
I am also determined that by the time my beau arrive home, I will be 20 pounds lighter and have finished my chapter four. I want to have time to go to the airport and pick him up.
I wonder though, why do I like him so much? Why?? I mean yes, he’s generous, smart and kind, but he clearly stated that he doesn’t want me to be too attached to him. Yes, for my own good, but I find it pretty impossible. I’ve told him that if you want me to be drawn away from you, then stop being nice to me. he said he couldn’t, not in the near future at least, and then well, my hands are tied.

I mean i think relationship and everything connected to it has to be done both ways. If he keep treating me nicely then I can’t help being attached to him, can I?

He recently went to Paris. That’s like my favorite and dream city of all times. I feel like I’m in love with the city; the vibe, the people, the food, the architecture, the fashion, and the language. Yes, I’m taking class but I feel like I haven’t done enough. I feel like the course has to be intensified. Perhaps in the future, after my graduation. Anyway I swear that I will go to the City of Light someday.

I googled the pictures and found myself in tears. Silly I know, but I would love to go the city very much! And now he’s there. Somehow, to see him living his life, my dream life if I may add, because he is happen to have my dream job as well, sometimes make me throbbed inside. Of pain, of happiness, of envy, of pride. Will I ever be able to get that job? Have I possess enough talent to do that? Or will I be stay on the sidelines, genuinely happy for him and cheering him on, but will stay only as that, an eternal cheerleader? sheesh.

I have a dream, btw. A small silly dreams, but something that keeps me going on. I want to, someday, in Paris, to be able to look and live as true Parisienne. I want to dress in effortlessly chic clothes, all in black perhaps, carrying a designer bag, genuine one, with light make up and air dried hair, make my way casually through the street of Paris. In the morning, I will get my coffee in the nearest un bistrot and after that, perhaps a croissant or a quiche in the neighbouring  une boulangerie. After breakfast, I imagined it to be a lovely Saturday morning, I will go to Louvre, just to see the queue that must have occured and instead of joining the lines, i will have a stroll to Montmartre, for I’ve visited Louvre numerous times before, and anyway, I like work-days better. In Montmartre, the bohemian neighbourhood and one of my favorite place in Paris, I will check out the small but interesting book shops, the auberge of Nicolas Flamel, and Sacre Couer. I will have my lunch in one of the cafe along the Seine river, maybe overlook the Eiffel tower. I will look like me, surely, but I want to order in such perfect French that the waiter will be confused as where I am from. After lunch, I want to go for a casual light window shopping in Champs Elysees and maybe ended up with a white classic T’shirt of good quality to add up to my bulging collection.
Then for dinner, I will meet my girlfriends for a night out on the town. I will have showered and changed into a smart little outfit, perhaps a little black dress with a wide cashmere creme scarf to accompany it, and of course, my swarovski diamond drop earrings to go with some costume jewelery. Or perhaps a short leathery-like straight halter dress with puffy skirt, tanned tights and black sky-high pumps.
We will have fondue where we chat and joke each other about our job and of course, our men.
At the end of the night, I will have someone pick me up and then we will have our weekly night stroll along the Seine, hand in hand. The night will be chilly but I wouldn’t mind. After the stroll, a nice good-night kiss and then home. 😀

haha, silly isnt it??
anyway, I love that dream :))
and I will keep it alive until it wont be just a dream anymore..


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