letter to devil

Published April 10, 2011 by jasmilenka

dear God,

Dear Life,

Dear Devil,

I feel so shitty right now.  I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and say,”Fine, you won! I’m lost, happy now???”

I know that there are so many other people in this world that are also hurting, and even have even a more depressed life than I have, but sometimes I think you have to grant yourself some time to self-pitying.

People aren’t perfect, and so am I. I think we are allowed certain amount of time to idleness.

Not only I have this pang of jealousy to some of my friends, with their brilliant life, but I also feel that my life’s quite static, despite the money I’ve spent. Well, maybe I see the ‘sacrifice’ in the wrong part. Maybe I should have counted the effort I put, not the money I’ve spent. In term of the effort, I think yes I am very – very much not the hardest working person in the world.

okay, point one check. I NEED TO BE BETTER FOR GOD’S SAKE. AND FIND SCHOLARSHIPS AND OPPORTUNITIES.

second, I’ve been in love with this person for some time now. I think a year since I first started and a few months since we’ve been dating. I’m not supposed to count, but hell, I do it anyway.

He always make me really happy on the good days, and extremely awful on the bad ones.  Yesterday happened to be the latter.

The funny thing is, I don’t know how to summon up my own feelings. That’s weird, since eloquence is not something I have problems with, usually. But with him, everything turns upside down.

Anyway, I have this fear of saying the magic words, the i love you thing. I managed to say it to him, and I didn’t regret it, but yesterday, he said something like ‘you really love me, do you? I don’t know if I deserve it’.

Suddenly I felt so angry. If you think that you don’t deserve it, then why started in the first place???

I felt like he’s letting his responsibility go. Like he will go somewhere. Will he?

Despite that sometimes he will be the person I choose as the person I love the most, he still couldn’t grasp the concept that I’m not comfortable to have the fact shove onto my face. That love thing.  Call me hypocrite or run from the truth, but that’s just the way it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I do REALLY love him. Or maybe I do, and a bit too much, for I’m so much affected by his actions, good or bad. He realizes it too, perhaps, for he’s saying that it’s good for me to feel angry to him, because it’s normal.

I wanted to smack his head because of it.

There’s nothing normal about our relationship, so why bother??

If you opted for the abnormal, then don’t say you like the sense of normality. Or he might think that it’s good for me to treat him as my equal, not my superior.

Yes, I understand the point, but sometimes he’s the one who shaking things up. I mean, I’ve been told that I over-thinking everything, and I should be more laid-back.

I’ve tried and I was kind-of successful in it. When I want to contact him, I will. I don’t scrutinize my phone for five minutes, thinking the pros and cons. But then, he said that, those words.

and I began to think,”Oh my God, what kind of person I’m involving myself into? Have i made the most terrible mistake? Handing over power to one individual that doesn’t know how to use it properly?”

I feel like he’s acting like my superior. ‘You love me SO MUCH, so I have massive power over you’ kind-of-stuff.

Then he said that he doesn’t know if he deserves it.

Merde, can’t you just accept it and be grateful??

I know that he’s afraid that I might get hurt, but instead of doing something, he left everything onto my own hands. I have to be the one who stop myself when I got too involved, and meanwhile, he’s treating me so nicely (in the good days).

Perhaps it sounds reasonable, but not everyone is as reasonable as he is. Perhaps I’m not one of them.

I want to do this relationship the best way I can, so if something happened, and it might, seeing how things are evolving, I will have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done the best I could ever muster.

But with the ‘wrong-person, massive-power thing’ I couldn’t help but fall into my old habit, thinking of things.

I really don’t know how else I could communicate this.

complicated??

You bet

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