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A new leaf

Published March 11, 2013 by jasmilenka

I’ve seen several of my last blog-posts and yes, it’s been a year and a half since my last writing, and dear oh dear, they were negative posts. For the record, I clung to my comfort zone for almost a year after that *shamefaced. 

However, my life had changed a lot since the year 2011. I got into two different work places, got promoted, found a new wonderful person, moved to the capital, and guess what? Now I’m sitting in a class, in a process to prepare myself as a young diplomat. 

YES. I WAS SUCCESSFUL. I BEAT AROUND 15.000 PEOPLE TO GET INTO WHERE I AM. I AM THE CHOSEN 60S. 

Ministry of Foreign Affairs! Dude!! It’s been 3 months since I knew this fact, that I am a future diplomat, and I’m still quite dizzy with the fact. 

Granted, things have not been so smooth, but look how far I’ve grown. I mean when I posted my last post, I was so uncertain about my life, and now I’m sitting in a class, learning about things I will need to know as the front-runner of Indonesian diplomacy and guardian of her interest(s), feel more stable in life, and guess what? I’m now engaged (formally) to a wonderful guy *blush. 

We’re sitting in the same class and I have a very good view of him from where I seat, and that’s enough to distract me. I don’t know yet if this is love, but I feel very comfortable with him and despite the fact that we’re spending time together almost all day, every day, I find myself missing him at times. Crazy huh? 

Yes, there was drama and jealousy and fucked-up things, but I am okay with that. He loves to communicate as I do, so I am confident that we can work things out. We are so completely different but I think this is what we called opposite attracts 🙂 

well now I’m going back to the class as I should and can’t wait for lunch, but now I feel so happy and so full of love and hope and I cant wait to share it with the world!

 

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you might as well be dead to me

Published November 3, 2011 by jasmilenka

if only i can say that.

my life has been changing a lot these past few months. For a few blissful weeks, I’ve work in this dream place of mine, the MDAE. I’ve moved to Jakarta and had a rental room of my own, made some new friends, renewed some old acquaintances and spent a lot of money, pulled by the only entertainment this city has to offer, capitalist happiness.

I’ve work with he-who-must-not-be-named and it’s a mixed experiences, full of happiness, jealousy, boredom and excitement. He’s left of course, and actually this day is his third week. It’s been hard for a first few days but I’m coping. I’m stronger than I thought, although I feel at times, empty.Usually that happens when I’ve nothing better to do or accidentally someone mentioned his name or I see it plastered in a magazine or newspaper. His name is very common, so it happens quite often. At those times, I smiled ruefully and banish the sadness that is sure to follow.

I saw his picture today with his family, and there was nothing remarkable about it. They’re not fancy family, unlike mine the regular ones, so they do not wear costumes or custom-made clothes. They donned black shirts and that’s basically it. I guess the bottoms must be jeans or other humble type of garments. But as usual, he stood out for my opinion. He looks kind but powerful in the picture, and have this look he sometimes bestow upon me, make me miss him even more. It’s not excruciating, but it is my constant companion. I hope he’s in a good condition there. I couldn’t bear to have him any less than that.

one thing about him, i really wanna met his okaasama, although as a stranger bump in onto another. I want to see her, the woman that he loves and esteems more than everyone else, and have shaped him into a person he is now.

on the less personal side, I’m on the final league of Jakarta Post’s selection process. I’m not sure if I’m gonna get in, although it will be hurtful not to, I want to get it and have this chance of being a great journalist I’m aspire to be.

but then, it might open another door, and all I”ve to do is to look for it.

I’m also a LO to SEA Games 26th now, but the uncertainty of the events is shocking, considering the height of the event. I will write about it later, the intensity of it is too much for one post.

but seriously, sometimes I just wanna shake the committee so hard their teeth will rattled, and ask “Really????”

 

The babystar-Sunday lyric

Published May 11, 2011 by jasmilenka

it just brought tears to my eyes!

a friend just gave me this song, said that it’s his favourite song.

now it seems that it will be mine as well

I love the energetic melody, but mostly the lyric.

Can I say,”LOVE????”

so here it goes, taken from  http://mylyric.6te.net/lyrics.php?artistlyrics=The_Babystars–Sunday_english_translation

read it and tell me if you’re not in love as well!

The Babystars lyrics

Sunday (english translation) lyrics

Artist/band: The Babystars
Album:
Genre: Pop
Posted by: Che-Che

Even those worn-out words, I love you, take on a wonderful new meaning
When I use them to express my love for you; theyre words for you only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
I quietly pray that this lasts forever and you keep chatting

What do you like so much about me thats a hard question youve just asked
So for now ill stop watching the movie weve rented and just gaze at you

I love your fully blooming smile, even seeing it every day isnt enough
And thats without even mentioning that amazing body that looks good no matter what you wear

And thats just your looks, what about the important things inside you
You dont back down when youre pissed off and even snorting really annoys you
But theres so, so, so much more than that
I cant really describe it properly
I dont think you need a reason to fall in love
That parts a mystery to me, so please forgive me

Even those worn-out words, I love you, take on a wonderful new meaning
When I use them to express my love for you; theyre words for you only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
The more of this ordinary time that passes, the more comfortable we feel together

You pretend to be strong, so the fleeting tears you show occasionally are a white flag
When we dont say anything, its exactly that that keeps me from looking away

Sadness and pain
Of course life brings all kinds of things like that
But just your casual hang in there gives me strength
Whenever your little back trembles I hold you right away
Even if the scenery we can see from the window changes
Be by my side, terrible sleeping habits and all

Even those worn-out words, I hate you, mean the opposite to me
If its you saying them when youre sulking, theyre words for me only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
Ill say it one more time: I love you, all the time

Its a sunday like any other
Its an ordinary sunday
But its a special sunday

if you want the song, just google it and download it for free!!

dear life and my dream about Paris

Published April 1, 2011 by jasmilenka

dear life,,
you have shocked me recently by chains of events that… well, shocking.
I’ve encountered a lot of deaths and misfortunes recently, but I am not complaining, as much as I am not happy and wish for a better future, because I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

from encountering how one’s actions and stupidity can affect so many life, I’ve also encountered that recklessness can give you massive pain and lost of things money would never be able to measure.

It’s just weird to see people around you dying, you know? to see them bathed and then clothed and then buried. to realize that you will never hear their laughter nor talk to them anymore. to feel that bitter cold reality sunk in and to finally acknowledge first hand how human’s life is actually very fragile and can be taken in a blink of an eye. all of those events kinda make me want to be a better person, because I certainly don’t want to be remembered as a reckless person who has done nothing worthy of mention nor ever doing something that will make my parents proud.

speaking of proud, i feel like I have done nothing worthy of my parent’s approval lately. I gone to Singapore and fell ill, so I don’t bring any prize. I am in the process of writing my thesis and I hope i will finish my chapter 3 soon. I am determined that in the mids of April, I will start my chapter 4.
I am also determined that by the time my beau arrive home, I will be 20 pounds lighter and have finished my chapter four. I want to have time to go to the airport and pick him up.
I wonder though, why do I like him so much? Why?? I mean yes, he’s generous, smart and kind, but he clearly stated that he doesn’t want me to be too attached to him. Yes, for my own good, but I find it pretty impossible. I’ve told him that if you want me to be drawn away from you, then stop being nice to me. he said he couldn’t, not in the near future at least, and then well, my hands are tied.

I mean i think relationship and everything connected to it has to be done both ways. If he keep treating me nicely then I can’t help being attached to him, can I?

He recently went to Paris. That’s like my favorite and dream city of all times. I feel like I’m in love with the city; the vibe, the people, the food, the architecture, the fashion, and the language. Yes, I’m taking class but I feel like I haven’t done enough. I feel like the course has to be intensified. Perhaps in the future, after my graduation. Anyway I swear that I will go to the City of Light someday.

I googled the pictures and found myself in tears. Silly I know, but I would love to go the city very much! And now he’s there. Somehow, to see him living his life, my dream life if I may add, because he is happen to have my dream job as well, sometimes make me throbbed inside. Of pain, of happiness, of envy, of pride. Will I ever be able to get that job? Have I possess enough talent to do that? Or will I be stay on the sidelines, genuinely happy for him and cheering him on, but will stay only as that, an eternal cheerleader? sheesh.

I have a dream, btw. A small silly dreams, but something that keeps me going on. I want to, someday, in Paris, to be able to look and live as true Parisienne. I want to dress in effortlessly chic clothes, all in black perhaps, carrying a designer bag, genuine one, with light make up and air dried hair, make my way casually through the street of Paris. In the morning, I will get my coffee in the nearest un bistrot and after that, perhaps a croissant or a quiche in the neighbouring  une boulangerie. After breakfast, I imagined it to be a lovely Saturday morning, I will go to Louvre, just to see the queue that must have occured and instead of joining the lines, i will have a stroll to Montmartre, for I’ve visited Louvre numerous times before, and anyway, I like work-days better. In Montmartre, the bohemian neighbourhood and one of my favorite place in Paris, I will check out the small but interesting book shops, the auberge of Nicolas Flamel, and Sacre Couer. I will have my lunch in one of the cafe along the Seine river, maybe overlook the Eiffel tower. I will look like me, surely, but I want to order in such perfect French that the waiter will be confused as where I am from. After lunch, I want to go for a casual light window shopping in Champs Elysees and maybe ended up with a white classic T’shirt of good quality to add up to my bulging collection.
Then for dinner, I will meet my girlfriends for a night out on the town. I will have showered and changed into a smart little outfit, perhaps a little black dress with a wide cashmere creme scarf to accompany it, and of course, my swarovski diamond drop earrings to go with some costume jewelery. Or perhaps a short leathery-like straight halter dress with puffy skirt, tanned tights and black sky-high pumps.
We will have fondue where we chat and joke each other about our job and of course, our men.
At the end of the night, I will have someone pick me up and then we will have our weekly night stroll along the Seine, hand in hand. The night will be chilly but I wouldn’t mind. After the stroll, a nice good-night kiss and then home. 😀

haha, silly isnt it??
anyway, I love that dream :))
and I will keep it alive until it wont be just a dream anymore..

the perfect man, marriage, and choosing the one

Published January 12, 2011 by jasmilenka

I’ve been thinking of relationship lately. Simply because it seems that everyone around me is either hooking up, broke up, engaged, or even… married. It seems that it’s so easy for them to find the perfect man, or the perfect girl. If things doesn’t work out, then let it be. Is that the essence of being young? You give it a try, you fail or succeed, either way, it will not be the end of the way for you. There will be a new path opens up, and you can choose either to take it or stick to the old one. The old one will not remains the same for things always change, but at least it’s less risky and more familiar.

Marriage. Urgh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a family girl at heart and although I also have a clear vision of what my life would be, career included, but still I want to have a nice family in the future, with a loving husband and two, or maybe three adorable children. I would really love a girl, but since I can’t control my womb no matter how hard I try, I don’t mind boys too.

It’s just that marriage. It’s such a serious thing, it’s scary. I mean one person for the rest of your life? How if that person turns out to be boring, masochist, sexist, or pervert? They say that you will not know a person until you start to live with them. I know several people choose to live together before marriage, and I think it’s brilliant and bold for the sake of the idea, but since it will never be an option for me, well it lives only as an idea, period.

Some people know for sure, even at such a young age. Romeo n Juliet did. Or they were foolish enough because infatuation made them blind. They were young, they had raging hormones. But in the real world, hundreds of couple married at young age, early 20’s and they stay true until their dying breath. Awesome, isn’t it? Of course there were hundreds of other couple who ended up as arch-enemy or probably a frenemies, but hey, we can’t have all that we want.

I saw some couple just glided easily from dating to engagement to marriage, some struggles. Some involves temporary separation, until a baby arrives unexpectedly, or they realize they prefer to fight with the other person than to make love with anybody else. *jeger.

I wonder which one will I be.

I have, of course, a perfect couple as my role model. They are not Brangelina, or Princess Diana n Prince Charles (what??) but they are perfect in their own way. They are my mother and father. Their story is always make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. They are worlds apart, and my father is the black sheep that no one takes seriously, while my mom is the princess of the goodie-two-shoes whom everyone loves and cherished. But my father pursue my mother with so much perseverance, snatched her from the previous BF (a guy that is so super nice, and can be a good father for me and my siblings of course) and ended up married. People were guessing as how long this inter-world marriage would survive, but it does until now, 23 long glorious years later. There were hard times, there is hard time and there will be as much I hate it, but somehow my parents manages it so well. There were fights and tears, and although my parents have tried to keep it from me and my siblings, naturally we knew. It terrified me, but it gives me hope. To actually find someone who loves me enough to try to stay, through everything, either it’s bad economy, career, fatal disease, accidents, death.

I will not tolerate infidelity. right now, I’d rather have my arms cut and smash to pieces than endure a playboy husband.

I wonder how my own marriage will be. My dream, of course start with a perfect wedding. I think it will be a big lie if a girl claims to never have dream about her wedding and the perfection she imagines. I have mine. I also have a big picture about the honeymoon I would want in the future. N of course, the life afterward. The joy of choosing wallpaper or first set of china, or maybe baby names, or cooking your husband’s dinner. It sounds silly, but when combine together, it could make up for the harder times that is sure to come.

Back to the topic of choosing a perfect man. How do you choose ‘the one’? Should he be funny, smart, talented, smooth, romantic, a hard worker, perhaps a healthy dose of mysterious edge, the one that intrigue instead of hurting you, and maybe come from suitable family? Suitable as in well-educated, well-behaved, well-connected or even have some good old money, because like it or not, environment does shape you, a lot. Of course, a bunch of high achievers, open-minded and fun circle of friends wouldn’t hurt either. They say how do you choose your friends show your true self. Makes me wonder if you have a close knitted friends that are all ass holes, what is that make you? haha.

How about loving a person the way they are? Choosing perfection and the latter, it sounds a bit contradictory for me. How come you are sure that no one is better? Yes you can look, but how far you will go to pursue your own happiness? One’s happiness is as free as others’, is it not?

I think everyone wants to be happy. Even people who do arranged marriage. I once read that people, basically, would never want to be alone. So, even if you are alone and happy, at some point, wouldn’t it be horrible if you look into a mirror and the reflection looks back is a lined, old face with deep sadden eyes, full of regret and loneliness? It could happen, which is why, people do match-making for their friends, some even like clock-work. maybe one thing more awful than that is to be with someone who is constantly making you feel degraded and inferior. But at the beginning, the promise of youth and the bright future might cloud that misery long enough to lure someone into arranged marriage, or a hasty one. But after they faded, the youth and the physical attractiveness has gone, people have added weight and grow some lines, what will happen?

I know I am being a bit close minded and judging here, but I just can’t wrapped my head around the idea of arranged marriage.

Anyway, again, people wants to be happy. One simple goal, but various complicated ways to go there.

Probably in choosing the one, that is still the same goal. Heck, that is the goal.I think and I do hope that people in the beginning, won’t settle for something less. I hope that at the beginning, people genuinely think that they already get the best they can muster. I hope that when my time comes, I will not sitting nervously before the ceremony, chewing on my nails and smear my make up because I am nervous and wonder if I have make the right choice; whether my parent’s or my friends’ choice is the right one. I want to be blissfully happy and can’t wait to be married, and of course, I’d hope the same from my spouse. I don’t want marriage of convenience. Still I wonder if there’s any marriage of convenience that last long. Eventually, love or contempt will come, and that marriage wouldn’t be so convenient anymore.

Anyway… in the end, I think people don’t have various reasons behind how they are choosing the one. But they do have different standard. Standard that is influenced by education, environment, life style, friends, families, and so on. Some people won’t settle for other than perfect match. Some will be willing to accept slow burning fire that will not explode, but will always be there, giving subtle and stable warm. Some opted for a firework-kind-of-fire that will start magnificently but will burn out as fast.

People don’t like to be alone. I think when you lie next to somebody that will listen, comfort, or correct you whenever you need them, or ready to give you a simple but much needed hug, or to do your tie when you can’t do it properly, who will make time to find your favorite pair of old shoe or jumper; those are signs of that much sought and discussed love. It comes in different ways. But I think love is like a beauty; people rarely describe it properly, but the kind that will be recognized when people see one.

Black and White

Published November 8, 2010 by jasmilenka

Today I feel like I’m splitting into two. I feel that everything I do has double meaning, for me that is. I do something and that will bring me double effect, both are anti-thesis for the other and instead of creating synthesis, I left feel like I’ve done anything all day. Empty.

That is probably the best word to describe me these days. I feel like somebody is sitting on my chest all day, everyday. But I also have this empty feeling that I could not shake of. No matter what I do, it’s always there. I could be very happy, because naturally I’m a happy-go-lucky girl, but then after the moment pass, I will be back to the empty mode I once was. So I have to continuously trying to be happy, to occupy my mind. It works at times, but there are a few moments where I’m totally in the state of blankness, which I dreaded the most. I feel stupid. I don’t want to be like that, not ever. But my mind’s practically screwed right now.

I also feel like I’m a huge emotional wreck.
I’m not alone in this, because I’m sure there’s at least one person that also will feel the same out there, but funnily, that fact does not comfort me.
I do not desire a company in this. I want to be exclusive perhaps? only me. But I realize that what I want is not possible. It will not, maybe not ever, but definitely not now. A resolute mountain will not be shaken by a mere wind. It’ll only stand there with a ‘take it or leave it’ sign. I’m an adult, fully capable of making choices and therefore I have to be ready to accept the consequences. I’m not happy because of it, but I acknowledge the fact.
I’m no judge. Someday I hope I will be able to see the state what I’m now and laugh. I want to change. But now, I simply can afford not to. Not to be in this situation. Because I’m aching if I’m not and I don’t know if I can handle that.

God, could you lend me a hand?
Show me what to do?
I’m no ‘brain-nut’ but if Einstein was my dad, he would not be proud of me now.
Beethoven or Shakespeare might understand me better.
I am told that this will pass. That time will heal. But I also know that no one will help a person if that person does not help herself.
Do I simply think too much?
Should I just let it flow?
What am I supposed to do?
I’m in firmer position, yes, for the moment, but can anyone foresee what will happen?
but truthfully, today, I’m not worried about the future, not personally. Professionally, yes. But not personal. I just want to strive to get through this phase.
I have an angel to help.
But I HAVE TO HELP MYSELF FIRST.
I have to get back some the principle I used to have. I’m not yet compromising, but I’m now definitely in a strange water. I hope I won’t be here too long without certainty that will help save my sanity.
I’m no expert, so does it suppose to feel like this?

I love being love and I love to love. I expect and do both vigorously. Maybe that and the habit of always think too much. I just have to let loose. be the kid?
no, perhaps. But a sane girl with strong personality and determination and clear goal. I’m once closer to that kind of girl before, I think.
and I will get that position again.
God as my witness.

haha, don’t you just love being me? :p

3rd day in Singapore

Published September 27, 2010 by jasmilenka

I learned how to use twitter today. Not that I don’t know anything about it, but the RT thing is just too much for me, and now I know, the key of not being confused is to read it backward. hahaha. thank you for my sister.

Okay, so again, today, I woke up in dark apartment, picked out an outfit (I feel a bit rebellious today, so I dig my backpack for a shredded mini jeans skirt, white stretch cotton tank top, and a blue button down shirt wore as outerwear, layered on tie-dye brown legging). I paired it with my brown-golden rubber sandals, my feet was so hurt because of yesterday.

After received an apartment key from my cousin, I put it at the bottom of my bag so I won’t lost it. I carried my messenger and filled it with books from yesterday search. Today’s schedule was Chinatown and Orchad. I had to go to the massive bookstore or I will be mad. hahaha.

So as usual, I walked to the Mustafa Center to exchange some money. Don’t point finger on me, it’s not because I was royal or shop too much,  very much on the contrary, even. Yesterday, I spent about S$100 for another plane ticket, my father ordered me to go home sooner than I thought. I abandoned my paid ticket and book another one, and after some events that made me sweat (the credit card wasnt worked and stuff, I managed to book a ticket, thanks to the help from my cousin. again)

After exchanged my money, I hoped into a MRT to Chinatown. I think it’s in Redline, I wasn’t so sure. No more than 10 minutes later, I arrived in Chinatown MRT Station. I headed out, and was greeted by the awesome buildings of Chinatown. Here I encountered another fact that proved how dilligent Chinese people are. It was around 9.00 am, and the store was all open. It’s so different from Little India where stores would still be close, no offense to certain ethnic group. I was happy, of course, because my today’s mission was to find gifts for my family.

I walked out, and I was mesmerized by the colourful building. The Chinatown area was really pretty, it’s like I walked right into a set of Chinese movie. They have bright red buildings with antique windows style, purple, green, and yellow facades and a lot of chinese restaurant. The stores also intriguing. With only S$10, you can get 4-5 scarves, and it’s quite nice. They also sell chopsticks, dresses (maxi dresses with busy patterns, a lot cheaper than the ones I saw in Zara, but has the same visual quality), cheong-sam (chinese suits and dresses made usually from silk) wallets, bracelets, and a lot of other things. They are fairly cheap. I walked around, try on some clothes and bought some things (t’shirts, scarfs, cheong-sam top) and finally custom-made some necklace for my friends. Here, a guy named William asked for my phone number, which I gave it to him, because he’s quite nice. He looked quite normal, so I wasn’t afraid of him. While shopping, I received a text from my friend, and finally we were agreed to meet in Orchad. I was confused, because it’s already 11.00 am and their plane was for 1 am, i think? two hours before and they are still shopping in Orchad? man, I know they are shopaholic, but this? Anyway, I thought that I should meet them at least once, so I hurried again to Orchad, and arrived around 11.30. They asked me to go to Food Republic, so I went there, and I waited in front of Cotton On Stores. but guess what?

THEY WERE NOT COMING. I waited until 2 pm, ordered a lemon tea from the cafe near by while I waited, but apparently, I know this after I came back to Indonesia, I waited in the wrong store. I was given the name of a wrong mall.  Yes Cotton On, but not in Food Republic. I was furious, but then I think that maybe, it just wasn’t meant to be. I was supposed to be alone in this journey. So I walked again to Orchad as my original plan was, and went to Kinonukiya. I was quick to recover my temper, because the store was simply amazing. I stayed for 2 hours, just walked and read around, and I had such fun.

After kinokuniya, I went to Cotton On in ION, where they have amazing sale. It was also full with Indonesian people. I felt like I was in Jakarta, not Singapore. I bought a few tank tops for my cousin and sister, a dress for myself, and a pair of silvery sneakers and a long black socks. The dress was available in all primary colours, and I chose bright green, which look amazing on my skin. I had such fun. Cotton On definitely one of my favourite brand. The quality is amazing, the black socks stretched so easily, and they were also quite cheap. I wonder if they have affiliation with brand Cotton Ink though. Their style is kind of similar, although Cotton On definitely have more choices.

I went home around 7.30, and I was happy. When I got home, there’s no one there. I was careful not to come home after dark, and now I had to pay the price. 😦 I changed into a pair of comfy shorts and tops, and I was alone for about 1 hour before Gery, my cousin’s housemates was coming home. I thought, great, now I had friend to chat with, but my joy was premature. As soon as Gery realized I was alone, he dissapeared into his room and never got out. He was… shy, I guess. So, a night in the couch was my last choice, but I finally fell asleep around 12 pm. I was planning to wait on my cousin, since I had his key, but I was tired. It was proved to be the right decision, since he was home at around 2.oo am?

Gery opened the door for him, since I was asleep.

Ah well.

So a brief talk and then bed.