my daily life

All posts in the my daily life category

it’s done

Published July 13, 2011 by jasmilenka

it’s done.

I reread some of my posts, ans I realized that I have thought about call the whole thing off for a few months now. I think it’s done. I should just stop doing this. I’ve to accept that the guy I’m involved with doesn’t want to be with me, at least not in the way I want. Failure is always to accept, especially when you have poured all of your effort and heart into it.

I didn’t realize at first how much I have changed. Then I came across a poetry I write for him on the month of November of 2010, and it took my breath away. Not only it was beautiful, it was so honest and full of happiness. I did not remember when was the last time I felt the blissful and pure feelings like that girl who wrote the poem. I didn’t know that I was once that person. I’m slipping away. I’ve forgotten the ideal love. Maybe I have compromised too much. And it pains me. What happened to me? How come I did not realized it sooner? Have I been blinded that thorough?

I really miss the feelings of being in love. It used to be so wonderful. But now, when I think about him, things that come across my mind are not beautiful at all. I think of the term and conditions, the would-be separations, the boundaries and the games, the missed expectations.

Expectations.

such a light word.

To put it fairly, I think I have my share of ruining this forbidden love. I had my expectations. I shouldn’t have any, and I was in a better understanding about it when I wrote him that first poetry. But as time goes by, my feelings for him grew. And it does not come alone. My expectations also flourished. Ah, had I realized it earlier, maybe it would not come down to this.

Writing always help. I’ve written the second poem. And it was beautiful too, but in a very different nature. Amazing what a mere 8 months can bring you. It still has the same sense of honesty, but much sadder.

The truth is, I am very tired. To be stuck in constant argument is very consuming, but add the phrase of constant argument with yourself, and it was more than a regular girl can bear.

I wonder, have I fought well? Have I tried enough? Have I this and have I that?

Is the act of leaving is a sign of weaknesses, or the very opposite of it?

What is it that I have for him?

Love? Infatuation? Obsession?

To be completely honest, I don’t know anymore.

I think I walk the path of destruction. And it will.

It finally dawns on me.

It’s done.

missing you and consolation

Published May 21, 2011 by jasmilenka

ay, aq kangen.

honey, i miss you.

cherie, tu me manques.

kang, abdi sono.

schatje, ik mis je.

and etc.

they are all different languages,  but they convey the same message.

And today, I woke up and feeling that particular little tingling thing.

God, i miss you.

For what, I don’t know.

We argue a lot. But it’s ok.

not every argument is bad.

and also not every argument is good, in the sense of they do not leave me with a better understanding of you.

or just a happy feeling of manage to discuss about one important topic.

but again, it always nice to talk to you.

and btw,

I just read a book about how this girl feels about his long distance boyfriend.

Said how the guy is going away, and he says it in a very casual way, and she’s happy for him but still she is sad because of the would-be separation.

about how she doesn’t want to linger all day long missing him and feel the urge to move on quickly.

I can relate to that.

🙂

prove that you are not alone is everywhere. You just have to look.

sometimes it could be an article in the paper.

a long-lost line in an abandon novel.

casual sentence of a friend.

smile from a stranger.

or perhaps some odd post in a stranger’s blog.

Moving on

Published May 16, 2011 by jasmilenka

Moving on.

That’s either the most empowering phrase or a sad phrase.

Every end it’s also a beginning; every beginning, could be an ending for someone else.

rhetorical statements.

My situation is unique. Most people move on because they are ceased to be in love, because they broke up, because they’ve been cheated, or time changes them irrevocably and the used to oh-so-cute couple can’t spend a day together without arguing massively.

I am not. I’m still in love as ever. He still stay in my good side of the book. I still think of him fondly. Meeting him still give me pleasure. You know, the usual. And he loves me. I know.

But when you are involved with someone and the talk of goodbye, separation, and being independent keep popping, well, you can’t help but wonder.

I love being love. You know, it makes me happy. But there’s always a but.

I suck at goodbye. I always cry my eyes out.

I have no self-control whatsoever at the moment of goodbye.

CHILDISH.

I have to stop complaining and just get on with life.

I am no longer a child.

The talk of separation is killing me and I guess I have to get myself used to it so when the inevitable happens, I am ready.

Or just live the moments?

that’s a completely two different statements.

Live the moment or bear in mind the inevitable always??

When you have a taste of what a gem feels like, afterwards when you try less, you can’t help but compare, and everyone should be perceived in their own unique ways.

SHOULD.

Just be confident and try?

See this as a chance and not a liability?

Go and find yourself a chance.

Go.

Live.

There are other things in your life.

Enjoy it.

You are young.

I read something interesting today. When you depart from this world, it should be with a chocolate box in one hand and wine in others, in a well-worn body, not in a perfect condition and sigh,”What a RIDE!”

is love a losing game?

Published May 11, 2011 by jasmilenka

from Amy Winehouse’s song, which I happen to listen to right now, if anyone wonder about the similarity of the title.

and no, it’s not a review nor analysis about the lyric.

I never experience love and when I do, after some days of perfect bliss, it also brings me pain and makes me question my self.

It changes me. I am a different person, different girl.

a better one? not necessary.

I have a bigger heart perhaps, but it is also a bruised  one, here and there.

I understand the pain of feeling helpless.

I experienced the “oh-so-teenage-comic” phrase of choking with your own tears.

The pain in your chest.

The feeling of tension in your stomach.

Even nausea.

I feel that I am so stupid. why do I hang on to this?

but true, there are times when I feel so happy.

sometimes it’s not a big thing, but I still feel good about it.

God, what’s the balance in this?

Yes, I am an adult and I should take responsibility of my own action. That when I do and choose things, I know it doesn’t come without a cost.

But today, again, I feel a slap on my face.

I think I have to stop this.

Either to cut all aspects of this relationship entirely or make peace with it.

the fact is, that statement will always be there.

I wonder which action that will bring me peace in the end.

Ignore and simply forget about it?

or come to have a peace with it?

time will tell, will it not?

letter to devil

Published April 10, 2011 by jasmilenka

dear God,

Dear Life,

Dear Devil,

I feel so shitty right now.  I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and say,”Fine, you won! I’m lost, happy now???”

I know that there are so many other people in this world that are also hurting, and even have even a more depressed life than I have, but sometimes I think you have to grant yourself some time to self-pitying.

People aren’t perfect, and so am I. I think we are allowed certain amount of time to idleness.

Not only I have this pang of jealousy to some of my friends, with their brilliant life, but I also feel that my life’s quite static, despite the money I’ve spent. Well, maybe I see the ‘sacrifice’ in the wrong part. Maybe I should have counted the effort I put, not the money I’ve spent. In term of the effort, I think yes I am very – very much not the hardest working person in the world.

okay, point one check. I NEED TO BE BETTER FOR GOD’S SAKE. AND FIND SCHOLARSHIPS AND OPPORTUNITIES.

second, I’ve been in love with this person for some time now. I think a year since I first started and a few months since we’ve been dating. I’m not supposed to count, but hell, I do it anyway.

He always make me really happy on the good days, and extremely awful on the bad ones.  Yesterday happened to be the latter.

The funny thing is, I don’t know how to summon up my own feelings. That’s weird, since eloquence is not something I have problems with, usually. But with him, everything turns upside down.

Anyway, I have this fear of saying the magic words, the i love you thing. I managed to say it to him, and I didn’t regret it, but yesterday, he said something like ‘you really love me, do you? I don’t know if I deserve it’.

Suddenly I felt so angry. If you think that you don’t deserve it, then why started in the first place???

I felt like he’s letting his responsibility go. Like he will go somewhere. Will he?

Despite that sometimes he will be the person I choose as the person I love the most, he still couldn’t grasp the concept that I’m not comfortable to have the fact shove onto my face. That love thing.  Call me hypocrite or run from the truth, but that’s just the way it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I do REALLY love him. Or maybe I do, and a bit too much, for I’m so much affected by his actions, good or bad. He realizes it too, perhaps, for he’s saying that it’s good for me to feel angry to him, because it’s normal.

I wanted to smack his head because of it.

There’s nothing normal about our relationship, so why bother??

If you opted for the abnormal, then don’t say you like the sense of normality. Or he might think that it’s good for me to treat him as my equal, not my superior.

Yes, I understand the point, but sometimes he’s the one who shaking things up. I mean, I’ve been told that I over-thinking everything, and I should be more laid-back.

I’ve tried and I was kind-of successful in it. When I want to contact him, I will. I don’t scrutinize my phone for five minutes, thinking the pros and cons. But then, he said that, those words.

and I began to think,”Oh my God, what kind of person I’m involving myself into? Have i made the most terrible mistake? Handing over power to one individual that doesn’t know how to use it properly?”

I feel like he’s acting like my superior. ‘You love me SO MUCH, so I have massive power over you’ kind-of-stuff.

Then he said that he doesn’t know if he deserves it.

Merde, can’t you just accept it and be grateful??

I know that he’s afraid that I might get hurt, but instead of doing something, he left everything onto my own hands. I have to be the one who stop myself when I got too involved, and meanwhile, he’s treating me so nicely (in the good days).

Perhaps it sounds reasonable, but not everyone is as reasonable as he is. Perhaps I’m not one of them.

I want to do this relationship the best way I can, so if something happened, and it might, seeing how things are evolving, I will have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done the best I could ever muster.

But with the ‘wrong-person, massive-power thing’ I couldn’t help but fall into my old habit, thinking of things.

I really don’t know how else I could communicate this.

complicated??

You bet

Bad Prophecy, Singapore, WMUN 2011

Published February 12, 2011 by jasmilenka

At the beginning of this year, I read a prophecy about my star-sign Not only me, but for millions of other people placed under the sign. It wasn’t pretty. It is said that I will have a lot of disappointment this year, and it’s only the second month, and I already experienced a lot things.

Not only I failed at one test I really want (for my defense, I have done my best and it was probably due to technical difficulties, one thing that I will not be able to change unless I have a time-skipper). I also have to endure the pain of waiting, the pain of being placed quite low in the list of priorities. I know my place, and I know that perhaps it was the right thing, but knowing and actually accepting it are two totally different things.

I won’t lie and say that I don’t have any highlight in my year, I will go to Singapore for a week, for WMUN. Too bad I can’t go to Bali for the next month, since my dad decided to play dictator (what a surprise) and banned me from going. I know I am in the process of doing my thesis, but a week off wont make that much of difference, but since it’s not in my nature to rebel, I just hold my peace painfully. Perhaps Bali can wait until my b-day, half a year, to be exact. But sometimes, times flies.

I wonder though. I know I shouldn’t trust a prophecy, but could those disappointments I endured was because I read the prophecy and then think negatively, under my conscious? Perhaps things will be better if I didn’t lie my eyes on that wretched magazine. Anyway, since I will not have to save for my trip, I think I can splurge on Singapore trip. I’m planning to buy some make-up, and of course, buying things FOR the trip.

I want to make a couple of new skirts, for the formal conference, perhaps get some new shirts, and a pair of new slender black pants. I also want to get a new blazer, something fit, perhaps dark blue. I already have blacks and pink and grey, but a touch of navy will always be welcome. Or perhaps beige, or army green. I will also need shoes. A pair of high-heels for the conference, since my high heels are already broken; then a pair of high-heels for walking around and a flat, and of course a super fabulous one for the socials. There will be a lot of social events and with those, come dress-codes. Yellow-and-red ensembles, I’m thinking a bright red chiffone dress, short and drapery; a fluorescent outfits, maybe a neon blazer or a bright yellow dress; and there’s a beach-theme party, i think i will wear what I already have, n a traditional clothes for global village, those I have.

I am so super excited about the WMUN. It’s near and I’ve been to Singapore before, but I haven’t been to Singapore in ‘official business’. Perhaps it’s like a drill, if in the future, I’ll go there for a meeting or assignment. I’ve done some preparation and simply can’t wait for next month! It will be around 32 days untill my departure. I have read and searching for materials, thank God for my good memories. I think I will be prepared, much more than last year, but I am still a bit nervous about talking in public. Especially in front of smart people from all around the world, in formal English. Whew. Thank God I know I can rely on my smart partner, Gladys, and I hope I can help her too.

I hate disappointment, but who loves them?

Those moments, when you knew your suspicion was confirmed beyond any doubts, and you feel those hurt and empty feelings in your guts, air was pushed out of your lungs and you left breathless and nauseated. Worst feelings in the world.

Anyway, I am still keeping my finger cross. It’s only the second month. I still have 10 glorious months.

just be positive!!!

viva la positive thoughts!! :))

love letter

Published February 9, 2011 by jasmilenka

hey you.

yes, you. I just read a book about how a letter can change one’s life, and I couldn’t help but think that it has been several years since my last love letter. Not that I sent it, or think that this letter will arrive to the right person, and I don’t care, honestly. I love to express myself through writing and since I always get tongue-tied at the most imperfect moments, why try anyway?

I write this letter at my university library, when I should write my thesis instead. But I already got some readings that I have to read, eventually, and now the temptation is just too big. 🙂

Dear you. First, as all things best, you are definitely unexpected. I never plan to like you, or to admit you into my life. You are a peculiar person although in no means bad. Well, sometimes you bring the best in me, sometimes you bring the worst in me. But hey, at least thanks to you, I have got acquainted with them, with those sides. I’ve been not blind, but not enlightened. You bring some new knowledge about myself, things that I never in million years think that I will experience, feel, or do.

I am not a perfect person. Sometimes you praise me in things that I never knew I had in the first place. But the good things about you, well one of them, albeit you can be as cold as frozen fish, I never get the feelings that you lie to me, and I thank God for that, because I absolutely hate being lied to. If there’s any inconvenient truth, you will let it lie there, between us and will simply waiting for my response. You never act unfair or pretend to be something you are not. You are proud to be yourself, and not really care of what other people thinks. An admirable trait for someone who sometimes get panic rush over what other might think, aka me. But the amazing thing is, in the end, it is like the world shape itself according to your will. You don’t have to adjust, the world will. Always have been, perhaps.

You are special. You start your life in a hard way, I guess. You are like a mystery, a Matryoshka or something like that, but in your case, no matter how much I unveil your layers, there will be always something underneath. You think I am taking you as my idol and perhaps in some ways, I do. I am an ordinary girl after all, and like people around me, you are an anomaly that is always interesting to watch. Everyone need an everyday hero, anyway. You can be one 🙂

But it’s not that you are good in my eyes all the time. There are times when I hate you. I hate you because sometimes you are so cold, closed, and incomprehensible. I know that yes, you are not that type of person who lets his emotion let loose, but can’t you see that I need your confidence and trust, proved by your confiding in me? Sometimes I feel that it’s not the real distance that scares me, but the distance between our-yaiks-so-called hearts. I need to feel that in some ways, you are dependent on me, and not only me to you.

You are in my life, my friends’, my family’s. But will you let me into yours? How come things ends to where they are standing now? See, you make me a different person.

But also a better one. I think that knowing that there are so many great people out there, I realized I can’t lie on my back and doing nothing, those kind of stuffs I am inclined to do these days.

You believed in me. Why? I never know why you like me, why you love me, as you repeatedly say. I am no one. I am no different from the girl sitting next to me. Haha, I think it will be always a mystery.

Believe me, that I have so many things inside my head that I want to say to you. But if I let myself to say it to you, I am afraid it will damage the relationship that we have right now. I am afraid it will also bound me more to you, and making it more difficult for me to let go. I don’t know where this relationship gonna take me, or us on that matter, but I want to be prepared for everything.

I want to love you the best way I can, but with the capability that I have at the moment, and it shifts. It has the ups and lows.

Dear God, you are in my head and I wonder if I have crossed you mind, albeit as little as sands grain.

But anyway, I thank you for the time, advice, laugh, even tears that you brought me, and made me shed.

Because it make me the person I am today. As bad as it is, it is still me. One hundred percent.

Cant wait to see you,,

all my love,

me