I reread some of my posts, ans I realized that I have thought about call the whole thing off for a few months now. I think it’s done. I should just stop doing this. I’ve to accept that the guy I’m involved with doesn’t want to be with me, at least not in the way I want. Failure is always to accept, especially when you have poured all of your effort and heart into it.
I didn’t realize at first how much I have changed. Then I came across a poetry I write for him on the month of November of 2010, and it took my breath away. Not only it was beautiful, it was so honest and full of happiness. I did not remember when was the last time I felt the blissful and pure feelings like that girl who wrote the poem. I didn’t know that I was once that person. I’m slipping away. I’ve forgotten the ideal love. Maybe I have compromised too much. And it pains me. What happened to me? How come I did not realized it sooner? Have I been blinded that thorough?
I really miss the feelings of being in love. It used to be so wonderful. But now, when I think about him, things that come across my mind are not beautiful at all. I think of the term and conditions, the would-be separations, the boundaries and the games, the missed expectations.
such a light word.
To put it fairly, I think I have my share of ruining this forbidden love. I had my expectations. I shouldn’t have any, and I was in a better understanding about it when I wrote him that first poetry. But as time goes by, my feelings for him grew. And it does not come alone. My expectations also flourished. Ah, had I realized it earlier, maybe it would not come down to this.
Writing always help. I’ve written the second poem. And it was beautiful too, but in a very different nature. Amazing what a mere 8 months can bring you. It still has the same sense of honesty, but much sadder.
The truth is, I am very tired. To be stuck in constant argument is very consuming, but add the phrase of constant argument with yourself, and it was more than a regular girl can bear.
I wonder, have I fought well? Have I tried enough? Have I this and have I that?
Is the act of leaving is a sign of weaknesses, or the very opposite of it?
What is it that I have for him?
Love? Infatuation? Obsession?
To be completely honest, I don’t know anymore.
I think I walk the path of destruction. And it will.
It finally dawns on me.