my thoughts

All posts in the my thoughts category

Marrying your bestfriend

Published May 21, 2011 by jasmilenka

The title looks so beautiful isn’t it?

Who wouldn’t want that?

A person who is converse-able. It’s like finding a complete package. Someone who is not only reliable and strong, mature and smart, and love you like a husband should be, but also someone that you can share your fears and silliness with, someone to make you laugh and to listen, someone who shares your liking and is able to appreciate it, someone who always got your back, someone who will tell you that your butt looks big in THAT MUST HAVE ITEM OF THE SEASON, someone that you can call in the middle of the night without having to be afraid of being reproached, someone who will tell you that ‘yes, you’re stupid, but I love you and I will be there for you to pick the pieces up’.

While husband is more ceremonious, isn’t it?

I know you are not supposed to be depended to one person, but if that’s your husband or wife, well, you might as well be depended on him or her, since you will spend the rest of your life together anyway, if you are lucky.

yes, we are not supposed to look for perfection, but it’s only something desirable 🙂

I want to bestfriend-ed a traveler and I want to marry my bestfriend!!

Life-long ambition.

I love to travel.

And i want to have a life with a huge color spectrum to define it. If you’re traveling with someone who knows you inside and out, wouldn’t it be perfect?

I have a silly little dream.

I am dreaming that someday, maybe on the morning of a long weekend, I will wake up and then snuggle up to a person next to me. I will give him a morning kiss and he will open his eyes, grunts a bit, and then lie still for a couple of minutes while wrapping his hands around me.

Then suddenly, an idea of spontaneous road trip will occur to us.

We will take a quick shower and grab our travel bag, always packed and ready, loaded with all the essentials you’ll need for a short trip, and then we’re gonna ride our car, just the two of us.

We might go to the mountain or a strange city or a beach. We might arrive very late and then got that stare from the concierge ‘are you crazy-this is long weekend-of course we are fully booked-no we dont have a room for you’ but we wouldnt care. we might fall asleep in the car, or perhaps ended up in a small privately owned hostel somewhere. it could be a small hut owned by local people or  beautiful bungalow, but it’s fine, we love the thrill of a journey.

After quick refreshment or maybe a good night sleep, we will venture around the place for the whole day, perhaps on foot or bike, and then, go out for a very nice dinner before tumbling onto our bed.

the next day, another long drive and go back to the comfort of our home, but refreshed and happy after the trip.

Well, the trip might not be perfect. Maybe we’ll get sun-burned, or runs out of money or the car broke down.

but that have the possibility of becoming the most memorable events on the whole trip, so let’s play along shall we??

Moving on

Published May 16, 2011 by jasmilenka

Moving on.

That’s either the most empowering phrase or a sad phrase.

Every end it’s also a beginning; every beginning, could be an ending for someone else.

rhetorical statements.

My situation is unique. Most people move on because they are ceased to be in love, because they broke up, because they’ve been cheated, or time changes them irrevocably and the used to oh-so-cute couple can’t spend a day together without arguing massively.

I am not. I’m still in love as ever. He still stay in my good side of the book. I still think of him fondly. Meeting him still give me pleasure. You know, the usual. And he loves me. I know.

But when you are involved with someone and the talk of goodbye, separation, and being independent keep popping, well, you can’t help but wonder.

I love being love. You know, it makes me happy. But there’s always a but.

I suck at goodbye. I always cry my eyes out.

I have no self-control whatsoever at the moment of goodbye.

CHILDISH.

I have to stop complaining and just get on with life.

I am no longer a child.

The talk of separation is killing me and I guess I have to get myself used to it so when the inevitable happens, I am ready.

Or just live the moments?

that’s a completely two different statements.

Live the moment or bear in mind the inevitable always??

When you have a taste of what a gem feels like, afterwards when you try less, you can’t help but compare, and everyone should be perceived in their own unique ways.

SHOULD.

Just be confident and try?

See this as a chance and not a liability?

Go and find yourself a chance.

Go.

Live.

There are other things in your life.

Enjoy it.

You are young.

I read something interesting today. When you depart from this world, it should be with a chocolate box in one hand and wine in others, in a well-worn body, not in a perfect condition and sigh,”What a RIDE!”

Mix-blood, “blasteran”, disadvantages of being ‘bule’

Published May 6, 2011 by jasmilenka

WARNING, THIS ARTICLE BELOW COULD CAUSE SOME UNPLEASANT FEELINGS. It doesn’t try to judge or generalize, merely an observation of an individual who spend a lot of her time watching people.

I live in Indonesia. Here, being a mix-blood is a great thing.

why?

Because it gives you a physical look that is considered as ‘marvelous’. As the culture in Indonesia identifies good look as being white, then blasteran people or people with mix-blood is considered as always pretty or handsome.

And life is always more friendly towards good-looking people. more advantages? Well, you can always apply to production-houses and soon your face will be displayed in commercial and soap-operas. Don’t worry about your acting ability, most actors star in soap-operas have non-existent acting ability, and they thrive anyway, earning money, popularity, and thoroughly forgetting about quality. -_-”

Mix-blood also being identified with have lots of money, according to the fact that one of their parents is “bule” and usually it earns you a major salary. So, good-looking, famous, and wealthy, who rejects that kind of life?

Currently I’m writing about life of mix-bloods, and hey, their life aren’t that great after all. The case is being a mix-blood in Netherlands, and your veins are infused with Arabian blood.

In Indonesia, “bule” or “caucasian” is the superior race, so mingle with them and you will get good prejudices. In Netherlands, since phobia towards Islam and its extensions are building steeper every day, it is not pleasant to have a different physical look among all the “white people”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no hater towards caucasian people. I don’t have any prejudice towards them, and I would love to try to live in Europe one day, simply because of the experiences that I can get. I admire some of their values and would love to get them infused into mine. I don’t regard them as perfect, as I don’t to my own culture.

And of course, I am a major admirer of Europe–of its history, culture, food, people, architecture. I also love to travel by plane, and Europe has several best airports in the world, and some of loveliest cities.

Back to the topic.

i love the term of citizen of the world and i would really love to be one, someday. I want to make the world as my home, although I also do not desire to lose my heritage and confuse of who I am as a person. Therefore, I am grateful that I can always call myself as Indonesian and know where I will always feel belong to–Indonesia.

But in Netherlands, immigrants, even second and third, who was born, raise, work in Netherlands, even only speak the Dutch language, can be confuse of who they are.

Some are very comfortable of being people of two worlds, and can call themselves “I am a Dutch”; “I am a Moroccan” ; “I am a Turkish” but some don’t have that advantage. In Netherlands, people are either autochtoon or insider, and alotochtoon or  outsider. There’re no term for mix-blood people, like “Chinese-American” or “African-American”. You have to choose, period.

But how can you choose, some people do not desire that obligation of have to choose, and even if you want to, how?

You live in two different worlds, and when you feel that you are Dutch, because you, for example, only speak the language, your physical looks will always betray you, because you aren’t “white”.

Not only the matter of choosing who you are, but it also the matter of where your home is. Yes, there are conditions and rhetorical conditions where you will feel at home with the people you love the most, but one will need a place where you can feel the safest, right?

some people don’t have that privilege, to have a country to call ‘home’.

some people don’t have that, one thing that many people take for granted.

how you can feel at home, when you will always be seen as something ‘different’? Mind you, that different doesn’t mean negative, but the feeling of “we” and “them” is always there, unspoken, hanging in the air.

Moreover, some people also being treated differently, and by this, negatively. Immigrant is often seen and called as ‘guest-workers’ and even though they’ve lived in host country all their lives, a lot of local people still see them as allochtoon.

how you can make a home in a place where you are continuously being asked, “why don’t you go back to your home country?” or “when you will go back?”

Over the years, I’ve seen the people with mix-bloods are lucky people, because they have dual citizenship, good-looks, and two cultures and two countries to call home. Their life seems more exciting to me.

But after some time of research, I realize that there is balance in this world. What they have doesn’t come without a cost.

I may not be as good-looking as they are, or wealthy, or lucky.

People might not see me with awe, but at least I can say confidently, “I am Indonesian.”

I will always have a place where I feel belong.

I can go incognito.

I don’t stand-out like a peacock.

I have a home.

wonderful! 🙂

Bad Prophecy, Singapore, WMUN 2011

Published February 12, 2011 by jasmilenka

At the beginning of this year, I read a prophecy about my star-sign Not only me, but for millions of other people placed under the sign. It wasn’t pretty. It is said that I will have a lot of disappointment this year, and it’s only the second month, and I already experienced a lot things.

Not only I failed at one test I really want (for my defense, I have done my best and it was probably due to technical difficulties, one thing that I will not be able to change unless I have a time-skipper). I also have to endure the pain of waiting, the pain of being placed quite low in the list of priorities. I know my place, and I know that perhaps it was the right thing, but knowing and actually accepting it are two totally different things.

I won’t lie and say that I don’t have any highlight in my year, I will go to Singapore for a week, for WMUN. Too bad I can’t go to Bali for the next month, since my dad decided to play dictator (what a surprise) and banned me from going. I know I am in the process of doing my thesis, but a week off wont make that much of difference, but since it’s not in my nature to rebel, I just hold my peace painfully. Perhaps Bali can wait until my b-day, half a year, to be exact. But sometimes, times flies.

I wonder though. I know I shouldn’t trust a prophecy, but could those disappointments I endured was because I read the prophecy and then think negatively, under my conscious? Perhaps things will be better if I didn’t lie my eyes on that wretched magazine. Anyway, since I will not have to save for my trip, I think I can splurge on Singapore trip. I’m planning to buy some make-up, and of course, buying things FOR the trip.

I want to make a couple of new skirts, for the formal conference, perhaps get some new shirts, and a pair of new slender black pants. I also want to get a new blazer, something fit, perhaps dark blue. I already have blacks and pink and grey, but a touch of navy will always be welcome. Or perhaps beige, or army green. I will also need shoes. A pair of high-heels for the conference, since my high heels are already broken; then a pair of high-heels for walking around and a flat, and of course a super fabulous one for the socials. There will be a lot of social events and with those, come dress-codes. Yellow-and-red ensembles, I’m thinking a bright red chiffone dress, short and drapery; a fluorescent outfits, maybe a neon blazer or a bright yellow dress; and there’s a beach-theme party, i think i will wear what I already have, n a traditional clothes for global village, those I have.

I am so super excited about the WMUN. It’s near and I’ve been to Singapore before, but I haven’t been to Singapore in ‘official business’. Perhaps it’s like a drill, if in the future, I’ll go there for a meeting or assignment. I’ve done some preparation and simply can’t wait for next month! It will be around 32 days untill my departure. I have read and searching for materials, thank God for my good memories. I think I will be prepared, much more than last year, but I am still a bit nervous about talking in public. Especially in front of smart people from all around the world, in formal English. Whew. Thank God I know I can rely on my smart partner, Gladys, and I hope I can help her too.

I hate disappointment, but who loves them?

Those moments, when you knew your suspicion was confirmed beyond any doubts, and you feel those hurt and empty feelings in your guts, air was pushed out of your lungs and you left breathless and nauseated. Worst feelings in the world.

Anyway, I am still keeping my finger cross. It’s only the second month. I still have 10 glorious months.

just be positive!!!

viva la positive thoughts!! :))

love letter

Published February 9, 2011 by jasmilenka

hey you.

yes, you. I just read a book about how a letter can change one’s life, and I couldn’t help but think that it has been several years since my last love letter. Not that I sent it, or think that this letter will arrive to the right person, and I don’t care, honestly. I love to express myself through writing and since I always get tongue-tied at the most imperfect moments, why try anyway?

I write this letter at my university library, when I should write my thesis instead. But I already got some readings that I have to read, eventually, and now the temptation is just too big. 🙂

Dear you. First, as all things best, you are definitely unexpected. I never plan to like you, or to admit you into my life. You are a peculiar person although in no means bad. Well, sometimes you bring the best in me, sometimes you bring the worst in me. But hey, at least thanks to you, I have got acquainted with them, with those sides. I’ve been not blind, but not enlightened. You bring some new knowledge about myself, things that I never in million years think that I will experience, feel, or do.

I am not a perfect person. Sometimes you praise me in things that I never knew I had in the first place. But the good things about you, well one of them, albeit you can be as cold as frozen fish, I never get the feelings that you lie to me, and I thank God for that, because I absolutely hate being lied to. If there’s any inconvenient truth, you will let it lie there, between us and will simply waiting for my response. You never act unfair or pretend to be something you are not. You are proud to be yourself, and not really care of what other people thinks. An admirable trait for someone who sometimes get panic rush over what other might think, aka me. But the amazing thing is, in the end, it is like the world shape itself according to your will. You don’t have to adjust, the world will. Always have been, perhaps.

You are special. You start your life in a hard way, I guess. You are like a mystery, a Matryoshka or something like that, but in your case, no matter how much I unveil your layers, there will be always something underneath. You think I am taking you as my idol and perhaps in some ways, I do. I am an ordinary girl after all, and like people around me, you are an anomaly that is always interesting to watch. Everyone need an everyday hero, anyway. You can be one 🙂

But it’s not that you are good in my eyes all the time. There are times when I hate you. I hate you because sometimes you are so cold, closed, and incomprehensible. I know that yes, you are not that type of person who lets his emotion let loose, but can’t you see that I need your confidence and trust, proved by your confiding in me? Sometimes I feel that it’s not the real distance that scares me, but the distance between our-yaiks-so-called hearts. I need to feel that in some ways, you are dependent on me, and not only me to you.

You are in my life, my friends’, my family’s. But will you let me into yours? How come things ends to where they are standing now? See, you make me a different person.

But also a better one. I think that knowing that there are so many great people out there, I realized I can’t lie on my back and doing nothing, those kind of stuffs I am inclined to do these days.

You believed in me. Why? I never know why you like me, why you love me, as you repeatedly say. I am no one. I am no different from the girl sitting next to me. Haha, I think it will be always a mystery.

Believe me, that I have so many things inside my head that I want to say to you. But if I let myself to say it to you, I am afraid it will damage the relationship that we have right now. I am afraid it will also bound me more to you, and making it more difficult for me to let go. I don’t know where this relationship gonna take me, or us on that matter, but I want to be prepared for everything.

I want to love you the best way I can, but with the capability that I have at the moment, and it shifts. It has the ups and lows.

Dear God, you are in my head and I wonder if I have crossed you mind, albeit as little as sands grain.

But anyway, I thank you for the time, advice, laugh, even tears that you brought me, and made me shed.

Because it make me the person I am today. As bad as it is, it is still me. One hundred percent.

Cant wait to see you,,

all my love,

me

Letter to God

Published January 20, 2011 by jasmilenka

Letter has strong power over human’s life. Not letters that create words, but letters that are created by words. One letter can have the power to destroy a person’s life, like what happened in Jane Austen’s real life, or Supersemar. Even in the time of emails and facebook, children still write letter to Sinterklaas, and a love letter is still highly appreciated.

I write when I’m sad, happy, or confuse.

so here it goes nothing.

Dear God,

first, I thank you for giving me this life. Hard as it can be, and although I never know how life in heaven might have been, I am still grateful for this placement, in which I have beautiful family, friends, and… well, all that I have right now. I realize that I can be situated in much horrible condition, and for that, I want to express my gratitude.

Life is all about balance–black and white, woman and man, light and dark, what is pleasure without pain. As perfect a life can be from the outside, a person will always struggle. I have my own thing to deal with.

Dear God,

this year is gonna be important for me. Not only I plan to graduate, I also have to enter the work force. But will I get the chance? I do not desire any job, I want a job that will give me the satisfaction I’m yearning for. Something that I can be proud of. Even more, something that will make me happy. Something that I love. Better if it enables me to meet beautiful and interesting people, and have a chance to work with them.

I have so many plans, like traveling and have internship abroad and see the world, either it’s Europe or US, or perhaps both, before I have to settle down and find a steady job. I love good system and being taken care of. I never thought of entrepreneurship. I want a good system and a lovely encouraging environment where competition is there but ones that I can handle. I really want to get into MOFA. it will be one of the greatest challenge of my life, perhaps the biggest of all. 10.000 applicants for 60 places? it’s less than 1%. yes, creme de la creme of Indonesia. just to think about it, well it freaks me out. How far shall i move forward? what’s my limit? I can always try to push it, but sometimes I am afraid that my writing is only bullock, that I’m a great talker but not actually a person that will do follow through.

I see people around me have move forward. But I can’t. I am a bit de-motivated right now.  Please God, help me find again my motivation. I need to be excellent in this. I need to get a high mark for my final task. I want to graduate cum-laude. I will not get the same chance, so I can’t waste this chance.

I love to have targets and challenges. But do I push myself too much, too early?

God, please help me to identify my own limit so I will not burn out in the middle. I hope it’s only a phase.  I don’t think it’s my limit yet. I think I can juggle more. I need to get out that stupid prophecy out of my mind. I can’t start a year by think negatively. I need to remember that I will not be alone.

Dear God, you will not give me any burden that I can’t handle, will you?

Moreover, I found something special last year, something that I hope will continue this year. I don’t have the strength to let go just yet. Or perhaps, I do not want to let go.

I decided that I have to trust him. Yes, it’s a person. But distance is something that I fear. Physically and mentally. I need to have comfort and a sense of security, despite the miles that exist between me and him. Mentally, our worlds grow apart, farther and farther everyday.

I know the law of opposite attracts, and for elements, it might work so well–the more differences you have, the bigger the attraction that’s created–but as for human, I believe that attractions come from connections. Connections come from similarities. Two people from two different worlds, entirely, will not be able to connect, and I am sure of that.

Dear God, complications are part of this. I gave it my word that I would try, and for now, for better or worse, I am happy with it. It’s adequate for the moment. But more and more external factors come.

I saw the thing and i was okay with it, but people around me started to make comments and it weren’t the nicest comments, and I started to worry. Do I need to feel threatened? How much shall I give? How much should I value the truth? Does being wise and truthful is the same, or at least, close to each other?

Dear God, it’s hard enough without this, and yet, had I been given a choice, I think I’d prefer to know. I prefer to be hurt and yet know the truth, than blissfully ignorant, but then fallen harder in the end.

why I can’t learn to rely on my own judgment? Because who have a higher knowledge about what’s best for me than.. me? I hope I will be able to more independent, to stop being such a baby. I need to find that confidence. And for me, confidence is something that I have to earn. I know parts and will make out the know-how as I go along. But I do hope, sincerely, that I will not put my trust in the wrong place.

Dear God, I am a girl who is learning to trust. For some obsolete reasons, I trust him. Obsolete as in ‘i can see and feel it’. There’s no scientific proof, only a matter of heart. Oh dear, I think that medieval side of me just crawl out.

Dear God, I’m also confuse. I think, if I want, I can have another choice. Person that is straight-forward-downright sweet, smart and quite interesting. Yes, he can be a bit patronizing, but he is also a very religious man, not to mention tall and handsome and reliable. he’s a hard worker.

If i let it flow, I will be able to like him, even more. I am sure with that. But will I?

There’s something endearing about the complicated one. It’s funny how I seems to cling to it, since i am encouraged to explore the world, to not limiting myself. Seeking actively or what? just waiting for to people to come? Come to think of it, I wonder what limited freedom is. Should I ask?

Laugh-out-loud. Now I understand what he meant by boundaries. But I think, as the process goes on and move on, no matter what I am, I will be more careful to ask since I will be afraid to offend someone. Since I will not be in the luxury of losing nothing.

Dear God,

sometimes I ask why my path and his have to meet. I don’t regret it, but if this is going nowhere, so it all will be in vain. Except that it isn’t, since I have open myself differently than to any other person. And then again, perhaps every person will affect me differently.

till next time, please keep an eye on me.

all my love

Unfair act of God or…?

Published January 14, 2011 by jasmilenka

My holiday is coming to an end. I don’t have any complaints though, because I’ve had marvelous time and to be honest, it’s started to get boring, and of course, my financial condition is a bit short too. With all those trips, mall-scouting(s) and eating out, it’s not surprising. But hey, it’s a holiday anyway… 🙂

I’m currently staying at my cousin’s house, and got a lovely chance yesterday to have a real talk with two of my seniors in my family, the only two, I should add, since I’m the eldest in girl’s lineage. We talk about boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, ex’s, and inevitably, God.

It started with a bit reminiscence about free will discussion, about how mankind think himself as a God, when he thinks he can do anything he likes. That’s why sometime someone fails, because he’s stepping out of his boundary. But for my opinion, no offense to anyone, we always have to try push our boundary. Nothing is wrong with that. I know human have tried to be God-like throughout the century, even in the Bible itself  ‘know not that ye are God?’ since it’s said that human was created in God’s image. It’s also have been repeatedly said in Isaac Newton works, Sumerian Tablet, and many more in thousands of years of human history.

I personally think it’s a bit arrogant. It’s said in many books, but since human wrote it, there are rooms for mistake, always have been. I mean human can interpret one thing to be a thousand other things. I don’t think that in human history, ever, or maybe with the exception of the holiest, our prophets, there’s a publication that base on purity without the touch of someone’s interest, however slightest.

God, in here, probably can be interpret as the ‘smart one’. The one that created things, the one that always push themselves beyond boundary, the one that can have whatever he wants, even in the cost of others, but of course with consequences. The one that questions thing. But not necessarily the one that invincible. Human is a fragile little thing. We might have the strongest mind and our will power can make us do extraordinary things, but even the slightest change in nature can affect us  greatly. We are able to manipulate things, to create artificial rain and predict storm, but not make an artificial storm or change the climate as we please.

Back to the topic. It’s about fate. It’s said that our life, our fate has been written by God. That every single little thing in our life has been predetermined. If our life is one straight path, every single pebble inside, every bits of dust have been placed. We can’t change them, unless we pray, unless we hope. Of course we can try to change it, we can push ourselves, but the thing is everything has been predetermined before. I, for one, can’t believe it.

why? Because it sounds so unfair. If that’s true, then someone is born with the fate of being loser, or murderer, or corrupter, while some others are born with the fate of successful entrepreneur, or doctor, or a great lawyer. How God determine which one is what? Reincarnation is still questioned and not a fact universally accepted, so I can’t guess that the selection process based on that.

If that’s true, then someone has to work twice as hard to become a successful person, had he ‘destined’ to be a loser. While others, if ‘destined’ to be a successful person, doesn’t have to do anything.

For me it sounds like we don’t want to work hard. It’s as if that we don’t want to take responsibility of our actions, because ‘all have been written before’.I also think, being God, the predestined fate must have some power. That’s being said, it means that God is pushing some ‘bad-predestined’ people toward evil. That sounds so unfair.

As for me, I think that God has written some of the definite things, like our birth date and when our life’s gonna be taken from us. Even for the latter, I’ve read that even that could be changed, based on our actions in life. We may not be totally free, but human is a free being. We can do whatever we like, provide it’s done in the space God has given to us. I am not talking about religion or norm, but more to physical capability we are born with. Like as much as we want, reading someone’s mind is a bit impossible, and we can’t go dive to the deep sea trench if we are not properly equipped. I think human is being treated like an adult. God doesn’t have to spoon things up to our mouth. When things happen, it’s not that God can’t change or prevent it–how come, since He knows all of our thoughts–but choose not to, since we all gonna be judged sometimes. And it needs to be fair.

As for fate, I choose to believe that my fate has not been written. Everything is undetermined, and so, whatever I achieve or do, it can be held accountable to me. If I fail, that’s because of my mistake, not because God make me. If God choose to not granted me the things I want, it’s probably because it’s not the best thing for me.If I fail, I want to believe that’s because the condition isn’t right at the moment, not because it’s written so.

I want and need to believe that if I made a mistake, at least that will be mine, not someone else’s.

I see life as a chain of reaction. Every turn, mistake, good things we do, they are all gonna create a new chain of actions. Every choice is gonna take us to a new intersection. We will learn new things as we grow up.

What’s life but endless chains of overlapping things right?