is love a losing game?

Published May 11, 2011 by jasmilenka

from Amy Winehouse’s song, which I happen to listen to right now, if anyone wonder about the similarity of the title.

and no, it’s not a review nor analysis about the lyric.

I never experience love and when I do, after some days of perfect bliss, it also brings me pain and makes me question my self.

It changes me. I am a different person, different girl.

a better one? not necessary.

I have a bigger heart perhaps, but it is also a bruised  one, here and there.

I understand the pain of feeling helpless.

I experienced the “oh-so-teenage-comic” phrase of choking with your own tears.

The pain in your chest.

The feeling of tension in your stomach.

Even nausea.

I feel that I am so stupid. why do I hang on to this?

but true, there are times when I feel so happy.

sometimes it’s not a big thing, but I still feel good about it.

God, what’s the balance in this?

Yes, I am an adult and I should take responsibility of my own action. That when I do and choose things, I know it doesn’t come without a cost.

But today, again, I feel a slap on my face.

I think I have to stop this.

Either to cut all aspects of this relationship entirely or make peace with it.

the fact is, that statement will always be there.

I wonder which action that will bring me peace in the end.

Ignore and simply forget about it?

or come to have a peace with it?

time will tell, will it not?

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Mix-blood, “blasteran”, disadvantages of being ‘bule’

Published May 6, 2011 by jasmilenka

WARNING, THIS ARTICLE BELOW COULD CAUSE SOME UNPLEASANT FEELINGS. It doesn’t try to judge or generalize, merely an observation of an individual who spend a lot of her time watching people.

I live in Indonesia. Here, being a mix-blood is a great thing.

why?

Because it gives you a physical look that is considered as ‘marvelous’. As the culture in Indonesia identifies good look as being white, then blasteran people or people with mix-blood is considered as always pretty or handsome.

And life is always more friendly towards good-looking people. more advantages? Well, you can always apply to production-houses and soon your face will be displayed in commercial and soap-operas. Don’t worry about your acting ability, most actors star in soap-operas have non-existent acting ability, and they thrive anyway, earning money, popularity, and thoroughly forgetting about quality. -_-”

Mix-blood also being identified with have lots of money, according to the fact that one of their parents is “bule” and usually it earns you a major salary. So, good-looking, famous, and wealthy, who rejects that kind of life?

Currently I’m writing about life of mix-bloods, and hey, their life aren’t that great after all. The case is being a mix-blood in Netherlands, and your veins are infused with Arabian blood.

In Indonesia, “bule” or “caucasian” is the superior race, so mingle with them and you will get good prejudices. In Netherlands, since phobia towards Islam and its extensions are building steeper every day, it is not pleasant to have a different physical look among all the “white people”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no hater towards caucasian people. I don’t have any prejudice towards them, and I would love to try to live in Europe one day, simply because of the experiences that I can get. I admire some of their values and would love to get them infused into mine. I don’t regard them as perfect, as I don’t to my own culture.

And of course, I am a major admirer of Europe–of its history, culture, food, people, architecture. I also love to travel by plane, and Europe has several best airports in the world, and some of loveliest cities.

Back to the topic.

i love the term of citizen of the world and i would really love to be one, someday. I want to make the world as my home, although I also do not desire to lose my heritage and confuse of who I am as a person. Therefore, I am grateful that I can always call myself as Indonesian and know where I will always feel belong to–Indonesia.

But in Netherlands, immigrants, even second and third, who was born, raise, work in Netherlands, even only speak the Dutch language, can be confuse of who they are.

Some are very comfortable of being people of two worlds, and can call themselves “I am a Dutch”; “I am a Moroccan” ; “I am a Turkish” but some don’t have that advantage. In Netherlands, people are either autochtoon or insider, and alotochtoon or  outsider. There’re no term for mix-blood people, like “Chinese-American” or “African-American”. You have to choose, period.

But how can you choose, some people do not desire that obligation of have to choose, and even if you want to, how?

You live in two different worlds, and when you feel that you are Dutch, because you, for example, only speak the language, your physical looks will always betray you, because you aren’t “white”.

Not only the matter of choosing who you are, but it also the matter of where your home is. Yes, there are conditions and rhetorical conditions where you will feel at home with the people you love the most, but one will need a place where you can feel the safest, right?

some people don’t have that privilege, to have a country to call ‘home’.

some people don’t have that, one thing that many people take for granted.

how you can feel at home, when you will always be seen as something ‘different’? Mind you, that different doesn’t mean negative, but the feeling of “we” and “them” is always there, unspoken, hanging in the air.

Moreover, some people also being treated differently, and by this, negatively. Immigrant is often seen and called as ‘guest-workers’ and even though they’ve lived in host country all their lives, a lot of local people still see them as allochtoon.

how you can make a home in a place where you are continuously being asked, “why don’t you go back to your home country?” or “when you will go back?”

Over the years, I’ve seen the people with mix-bloods are lucky people, because they have dual citizenship, good-looks, and two cultures and two countries to call home. Their life seems more exciting to me.

But after some time of research, I realize that there is balance in this world. What they have doesn’t come without a cost.

I may not be as good-looking as they are, or wealthy, or lucky.

People might not see me with awe, but at least I can say confidently, “I am Indonesian.”

I will always have a place where I feel belong.

I can go incognito.

I don’t stand-out like a peacock.

I have a home.

wonderful! 🙂

letter to devil

Published April 10, 2011 by jasmilenka

dear God,

Dear Life,

Dear Devil,

I feel so shitty right now.  I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and say,”Fine, you won! I’m lost, happy now???”

I know that there are so many other people in this world that are also hurting, and even have even a more depressed life than I have, but sometimes I think you have to grant yourself some time to self-pitying.

People aren’t perfect, and so am I. I think we are allowed certain amount of time to idleness.

Not only I have this pang of jealousy to some of my friends, with their brilliant life, but I also feel that my life’s quite static, despite the money I’ve spent. Well, maybe I see the ‘sacrifice’ in the wrong part. Maybe I should have counted the effort I put, not the money I’ve spent. In term of the effort, I think yes I am very – very much not the hardest working person in the world.

okay, point one check. I NEED TO BE BETTER FOR GOD’S SAKE. AND FIND SCHOLARSHIPS AND OPPORTUNITIES.

second, I’ve been in love with this person for some time now. I think a year since I first started and a few months since we’ve been dating. I’m not supposed to count, but hell, I do it anyway.

He always make me really happy on the good days, and extremely awful on the bad ones.  Yesterday happened to be the latter.

The funny thing is, I don’t know how to summon up my own feelings. That’s weird, since eloquence is not something I have problems with, usually. But with him, everything turns upside down.

Anyway, I have this fear of saying the magic words, the i love you thing. I managed to say it to him, and I didn’t regret it, but yesterday, he said something like ‘you really love me, do you? I don’t know if I deserve it’.

Suddenly I felt so angry. If you think that you don’t deserve it, then why started in the first place???

I felt like he’s letting his responsibility go. Like he will go somewhere. Will he?

Despite that sometimes he will be the person I choose as the person I love the most, he still couldn’t grasp the concept that I’m not comfortable to have the fact shove onto my face. That love thing.  Call me hypocrite or run from the truth, but that’s just the way it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I do REALLY love him. Or maybe I do, and a bit too much, for I’m so much affected by his actions, good or bad. He realizes it too, perhaps, for he’s saying that it’s good for me to feel angry to him, because it’s normal.

I wanted to smack his head because of it.

There’s nothing normal about our relationship, so why bother??

If you opted for the abnormal, then don’t say you like the sense of normality. Or he might think that it’s good for me to treat him as my equal, not my superior.

Yes, I understand the point, but sometimes he’s the one who shaking things up. I mean, I’ve been told that I over-thinking everything, and I should be more laid-back.

I’ve tried and I was kind-of successful in it. When I want to contact him, I will. I don’t scrutinize my phone for five minutes, thinking the pros and cons. But then, he said that, those words.

and I began to think,”Oh my God, what kind of person I’m involving myself into? Have i made the most terrible mistake? Handing over power to one individual that doesn’t know how to use it properly?”

I feel like he’s acting like my superior. ‘You love me SO MUCH, so I have massive power over you’ kind-of-stuff.

Then he said that he doesn’t know if he deserves it.

Merde, can’t you just accept it and be grateful??

I know that he’s afraid that I might get hurt, but instead of doing something, he left everything onto my own hands. I have to be the one who stop myself when I got too involved, and meanwhile, he’s treating me so nicely (in the good days).

Perhaps it sounds reasonable, but not everyone is as reasonable as he is. Perhaps I’m not one of them.

I want to do this relationship the best way I can, so if something happened, and it might, seeing how things are evolving, I will have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done the best I could ever muster.

But with the ‘wrong-person, massive-power thing’ I couldn’t help but fall into my old habit, thinking of things.

I really don’t know how else I could communicate this.

complicated??

You bet

dear life and my dream about Paris

Published April 1, 2011 by jasmilenka

dear life,,
you have shocked me recently by chains of events that… well, shocking.
I’ve encountered a lot of deaths and misfortunes recently, but I am not complaining, as much as I am not happy and wish for a better future, because I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

from encountering how one’s actions and stupidity can affect so many life, I’ve also encountered that recklessness can give you massive pain and lost of things money would never be able to measure.

It’s just weird to see people around you dying, you know? to see them bathed and then clothed and then buried. to realize that you will never hear their laughter nor talk to them anymore. to feel that bitter cold reality sunk in and to finally acknowledge first hand how human’s life is actually very fragile and can be taken in a blink of an eye. all of those events kinda make me want to be a better person, because I certainly don’t want to be remembered as a reckless person who has done nothing worthy of mention nor ever doing something that will make my parents proud.

speaking of proud, i feel like I have done nothing worthy of my parent’s approval lately. I gone to Singapore and fell ill, so I don’t bring any prize. I am in the process of writing my thesis and I hope i will finish my chapter 3 soon. I am determined that in the mids of April, I will start my chapter 4.
I am also determined that by the time my beau arrive home, I will be 20 pounds lighter and have finished my chapter four. I want to have time to go to the airport and pick him up.
I wonder though, why do I like him so much? Why?? I mean yes, he’s generous, smart and kind, but he clearly stated that he doesn’t want me to be too attached to him. Yes, for my own good, but I find it pretty impossible. I’ve told him that if you want me to be drawn away from you, then stop being nice to me. he said he couldn’t, not in the near future at least, and then well, my hands are tied.

I mean i think relationship and everything connected to it has to be done both ways. If he keep treating me nicely then I can’t help being attached to him, can I?

He recently went to Paris. That’s like my favorite and dream city of all times. I feel like I’m in love with the city; the vibe, the people, the food, the architecture, the fashion, and the language. Yes, I’m taking class but I feel like I haven’t done enough. I feel like the course has to be intensified. Perhaps in the future, after my graduation. Anyway I swear that I will go to the City of Light someday.

I googled the pictures and found myself in tears. Silly I know, but I would love to go the city very much! And now he’s there. Somehow, to see him living his life, my dream life if I may add, because he is happen to have my dream job as well, sometimes make me throbbed inside. Of pain, of happiness, of envy, of pride. Will I ever be able to get that job? Have I possess enough talent to do that? Or will I be stay on the sidelines, genuinely happy for him and cheering him on, but will stay only as that, an eternal cheerleader? sheesh.

I have a dream, btw. A small silly dreams, but something that keeps me going on. I want to, someday, in Paris, to be able to look and live as true Parisienne. I want to dress in effortlessly chic clothes, all in black perhaps, carrying a designer bag, genuine one, with light make up and air dried hair, make my way casually through the street of Paris. In the morning, I will get my coffee in the nearest un bistrot and after that, perhaps a croissant or a quiche in the neighbouring  une boulangerie. After breakfast, I imagined it to be a lovely Saturday morning, I will go to Louvre, just to see the queue that must have occured and instead of joining the lines, i will have a stroll to Montmartre, for I’ve visited Louvre numerous times before, and anyway, I like work-days better. In Montmartre, the bohemian neighbourhood and one of my favorite place in Paris, I will check out the small but interesting book shops, the auberge of Nicolas Flamel, and Sacre Couer. I will have my lunch in one of the cafe along the Seine river, maybe overlook the Eiffel tower. I will look like me, surely, but I want to order in such perfect French that the waiter will be confused as where I am from. After lunch, I want to go for a casual light window shopping in Champs Elysees and maybe ended up with a white classic T’shirt of good quality to add up to my bulging collection.
Then for dinner, I will meet my girlfriends for a night out on the town. I will have showered and changed into a smart little outfit, perhaps a little black dress with a wide cashmere creme scarf to accompany it, and of course, my swarovski diamond drop earrings to go with some costume jewelery. Or perhaps a short leathery-like straight halter dress with puffy skirt, tanned tights and black sky-high pumps.
We will have fondue where we chat and joke each other about our job and of course, our men.
At the end of the night, I will have someone pick me up and then we will have our weekly night stroll along the Seine, hand in hand. The night will be chilly but I wouldn’t mind. After the stroll, a nice good-night kiss and then home. 😀

haha, silly isnt it??
anyway, I love that dream :))
and I will keep it alive until it wont be just a dream anymore..

Bad Prophecy, Singapore, WMUN 2011

Published February 12, 2011 by jasmilenka

At the beginning of this year, I read a prophecy about my star-sign Not only me, but for millions of other people placed under the sign. It wasn’t pretty. It is said that I will have a lot of disappointment this year, and it’s only the second month, and I already experienced a lot things.

Not only I failed at one test I really want (for my defense, I have done my best and it was probably due to technical difficulties, one thing that I will not be able to change unless I have a time-skipper). I also have to endure the pain of waiting, the pain of being placed quite low in the list of priorities. I know my place, and I know that perhaps it was the right thing, but knowing and actually accepting it are two totally different things.

I won’t lie and say that I don’t have any highlight in my year, I will go to Singapore for a week, for WMUN. Too bad I can’t go to Bali for the next month, since my dad decided to play dictator (what a surprise) and banned me from going. I know I am in the process of doing my thesis, but a week off wont make that much of difference, but since it’s not in my nature to rebel, I just hold my peace painfully. Perhaps Bali can wait until my b-day, half a year, to be exact. But sometimes, times flies.

I wonder though. I know I shouldn’t trust a prophecy, but could those disappointments I endured was because I read the prophecy and then think negatively, under my conscious? Perhaps things will be better if I didn’t lie my eyes on that wretched magazine. Anyway, since I will not have to save for my trip, I think I can splurge on Singapore trip. I’m planning to buy some make-up, and of course, buying things FOR the trip.

I want to make a couple of new skirts, for the formal conference, perhaps get some new shirts, and a pair of new slender black pants. I also want to get a new blazer, something fit, perhaps dark blue. I already have blacks and pink and grey, but a touch of navy will always be welcome. Or perhaps beige, or army green. I will also need shoes. A pair of high-heels for the conference, since my high heels are already broken; then a pair of high-heels for walking around and a flat, and of course a super fabulous one for the socials. There will be a lot of social events and with those, come dress-codes. Yellow-and-red ensembles, I’m thinking a bright red chiffone dress, short and drapery; a fluorescent outfits, maybe a neon blazer or a bright yellow dress; and there’s a beach-theme party, i think i will wear what I already have, n a traditional clothes for global village, those I have.

I am so super excited about the WMUN. It’s near and I’ve been to Singapore before, but I haven’t been to Singapore in ‘official business’. Perhaps it’s like a drill, if in the future, I’ll go there for a meeting or assignment. I’ve done some preparation and simply can’t wait for next month! It will be around 32 days untill my departure. I have read and searching for materials, thank God for my good memories. I think I will be prepared, much more than last year, but I am still a bit nervous about talking in public. Especially in front of smart people from all around the world, in formal English. Whew. Thank God I know I can rely on my smart partner, Gladys, and I hope I can help her too.

I hate disappointment, but who loves them?

Those moments, when you knew your suspicion was confirmed beyond any doubts, and you feel those hurt and empty feelings in your guts, air was pushed out of your lungs and you left breathless and nauseated. Worst feelings in the world.

Anyway, I am still keeping my finger cross. It’s only the second month. I still have 10 glorious months.

just be positive!!!

viva la positive thoughts!! :))

love letter

Published February 9, 2011 by jasmilenka

hey you.

yes, you. I just read a book about how a letter can change one’s life, and I couldn’t help but think that it has been several years since my last love letter. Not that I sent it, or think that this letter will arrive to the right person, and I don’t care, honestly. I love to express myself through writing and since I always get tongue-tied at the most imperfect moments, why try anyway?

I write this letter at my university library, when I should write my thesis instead. But I already got some readings that I have to read, eventually, and now the temptation is just too big. 🙂

Dear you. First, as all things best, you are definitely unexpected. I never plan to like you, or to admit you into my life. You are a peculiar person although in no means bad. Well, sometimes you bring the best in me, sometimes you bring the worst in me. But hey, at least thanks to you, I have got acquainted with them, with those sides. I’ve been not blind, but not enlightened. You bring some new knowledge about myself, things that I never in million years think that I will experience, feel, or do.

I am not a perfect person. Sometimes you praise me in things that I never knew I had in the first place. But the good things about you, well one of them, albeit you can be as cold as frozen fish, I never get the feelings that you lie to me, and I thank God for that, because I absolutely hate being lied to. If there’s any inconvenient truth, you will let it lie there, between us and will simply waiting for my response. You never act unfair or pretend to be something you are not. You are proud to be yourself, and not really care of what other people thinks. An admirable trait for someone who sometimes get panic rush over what other might think, aka me. But the amazing thing is, in the end, it is like the world shape itself according to your will. You don’t have to adjust, the world will. Always have been, perhaps.

You are special. You start your life in a hard way, I guess. You are like a mystery, a Matryoshka or something like that, but in your case, no matter how much I unveil your layers, there will be always something underneath. You think I am taking you as my idol and perhaps in some ways, I do. I am an ordinary girl after all, and like people around me, you are an anomaly that is always interesting to watch. Everyone need an everyday hero, anyway. You can be one 🙂

But it’s not that you are good in my eyes all the time. There are times when I hate you. I hate you because sometimes you are so cold, closed, and incomprehensible. I know that yes, you are not that type of person who lets his emotion let loose, but can’t you see that I need your confidence and trust, proved by your confiding in me? Sometimes I feel that it’s not the real distance that scares me, but the distance between our-yaiks-so-called hearts. I need to feel that in some ways, you are dependent on me, and not only me to you.

You are in my life, my friends’, my family’s. But will you let me into yours? How come things ends to where they are standing now? See, you make me a different person.

But also a better one. I think that knowing that there are so many great people out there, I realized I can’t lie on my back and doing nothing, those kind of stuffs I am inclined to do these days.

You believed in me. Why? I never know why you like me, why you love me, as you repeatedly say. I am no one. I am no different from the girl sitting next to me. Haha, I think it will be always a mystery.

Believe me, that I have so many things inside my head that I want to say to you. But if I let myself to say it to you, I am afraid it will damage the relationship that we have right now. I am afraid it will also bound me more to you, and making it more difficult for me to let go. I don’t know where this relationship gonna take me, or us on that matter, but I want to be prepared for everything.

I want to love you the best way I can, but with the capability that I have at the moment, and it shifts. It has the ups and lows.

Dear God, you are in my head and I wonder if I have crossed you mind, albeit as little as sands grain.

But anyway, I thank you for the time, advice, laugh, even tears that you brought me, and made me shed.

Because it make me the person I am today. As bad as it is, it is still me. One hundred percent.

Cant wait to see you,,

all my love,

me

PostAWeek2011

Published February 9, 2011 by jasmilenka

just read about this wonderful challenge on WordPress and suddenly feel the urge to join. I write when I want to, so no wonder that my post is a bit random. I don’t mind to have some schedule and responsibility, instead of only ‘good-will’.

 

therefore, I pledge myself to this burst of creativity 🙂

hope I will always be able to write sense and not only blubbering due to deadline like some desperate article-writer.

 

sincerely yours,

Me 🙂