All posts tagged choices

Moving on

Published May 16, 2011 by jasmilenka

Moving on.

That’s either the most empowering phrase or a sad phrase.

Every end it’s also a beginning; every beginning, could be an ending for someone else.

rhetorical statements.

My situation is unique. Most people move on because they are ceased to be in love, because they broke up, because they’ve been cheated, or time changes them irrevocably and the used to oh-so-cute couple can’t spend a day together without arguing massively.

I am not. I’m still in love as ever. He still stay in my good side of the book. I still think of him fondly. Meeting him still give me pleasure. You know, the usual. And he loves me. I know.

But when you are involved with someone and the talk of goodbye, separation, and being independent keep popping, well, you can’t help but wonder.

I love being love. You know, it makes me happy. But there’s always a but.

I suck at goodbye. I always cry my eyes out.

I have no self-control whatsoever at the moment of goodbye.


I have to stop complaining and just get on with life.

I am no longer a child.

The talk of separation is killing me and I guess I have to get myself used to it so when the inevitable happens, I am ready.

Or just live the moments?

that’s a completely two different statements.

Live the moment or bear in mind the inevitable always??

When you have a taste of what a gem feels like, afterwards when you try less, you can’t help but compare, and everyone should be perceived in their own unique ways.


Just be confident and try?

See this as a chance and not a liability?

Go and find yourself a chance.



There are other things in your life.

Enjoy it.

You are young.

I read something interesting today. When you depart from this world, it should be with a chocolate box in one hand and wine in others, in a well-worn body, not in a perfect condition and sigh,”What a RIDE!”


is love a losing game?

Published May 11, 2011 by jasmilenka

from Amy Winehouse’s song, which I happen to listen to right now, if anyone wonder about the similarity of the title.

and no, it’s not a review nor analysis about the lyric.

I never experience love and when I do, after some days of perfect bliss, it also brings me pain and makes me question my self.

It changes me. I am a different person, different girl.

a better one? not necessary.

I have a bigger heart perhaps, but it is also a bruised  one, here and there.

I understand the pain of feeling helpless.

I experienced the “oh-so-teenage-comic” phrase of choking with your own tears.

The pain in your chest.

The feeling of tension in your stomach.

Even nausea.

I feel that I am so stupid. why do I hang on to this?

but true, there are times when I feel so happy.

sometimes it’s not a big thing, but I still feel good about it.

God, what’s the balance in this?

Yes, I am an adult and I should take responsibility of my own action. That when I do and choose things, I know it doesn’t come without a cost.

But today, again, I feel a slap on my face.

I think I have to stop this.

Either to cut all aspects of this relationship entirely or make peace with it.

the fact is, that statement will always be there.

I wonder which action that will bring me peace in the end.

Ignore and simply forget about it?

or come to have a peace with it?

time will tell, will it not?

Mix-blood, “blasteran”, disadvantages of being ‘bule’

Published May 6, 2011 by jasmilenka

WARNING, THIS ARTICLE BELOW COULD CAUSE SOME UNPLEASANT FEELINGS. It doesn’t try to judge or generalize, merely an observation of an individual who spend a lot of her time watching people.

I live in Indonesia. Here, being a mix-blood is a great thing.


Because it gives you a physical look that is considered as ‘marvelous’. As the culture in Indonesia identifies good look as being white, then blasteran people or people with mix-blood is considered as always pretty or handsome.

And life is always more friendly towards good-looking people. more advantages? Well, you can always apply to production-houses and soon your face will be displayed in commercial and soap-operas. Don’t worry about your acting ability, most actors star in soap-operas have non-existent acting ability, and they thrive anyway, earning money, popularity, and thoroughly forgetting about quality. -_-”

Mix-blood also being identified with have lots of money, according to the fact that one of their parents is “bule” and usually it earns you a major salary. So, good-looking, famous, and wealthy, who rejects that kind of life?

Currently I’m writing about life of mix-bloods, and hey, their life aren’t that great after all. The case is being a mix-blood in Netherlands, and your veins are infused with Arabian blood.

In Indonesia, “bule” or “caucasian” is the superior race, so mingle with them and you will get good prejudices. In Netherlands, since phobia towards Islam and its extensions are building steeper every day, it is not pleasant to have a different physical look among all the “white people”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no hater towards caucasian people. I don’t have any prejudice towards them, and I would love to try to live in Europe one day, simply because of the experiences that I can get. I admire some of their values and would love to get them infused into mine. I don’t regard them as perfect, as I don’t to my own culture.

And of course, I am a major admirer of Europe–of its history, culture, food, people, architecture. I also love to travel by plane, and Europe has several best airports in the world, and some of loveliest cities.

Back to the topic.

i love the term of citizen of the world and i would really love to be one, someday. I want to make the world as my home, although I also do not desire to lose my heritage and confuse of who I am as a person. Therefore, I am grateful that I can always call myself as Indonesian and know where I will always feel belong to–Indonesia.

But in Netherlands, immigrants, even second and third, who was born, raise, work in Netherlands, even only speak the Dutch language, can be confuse of who they are.

Some are very comfortable of being people of two worlds, and can call themselves “I am a Dutch”; “I am a Moroccan” ; “I am a Turkish” but some don’t have that advantage. In Netherlands, people are either autochtoon or insider, and alotochtoon or  outsider. There’re no term for mix-blood people, like “Chinese-American” or “African-American”. You have to choose, period.

But how can you choose, some people do not desire that obligation of have to choose, and even if you want to, how?

You live in two different worlds, and when you feel that you are Dutch, because you, for example, only speak the language, your physical looks will always betray you, because you aren’t “white”.

Not only the matter of choosing who you are, but it also the matter of where your home is. Yes, there are conditions and rhetorical conditions where you will feel at home with the people you love the most, but one will need a place where you can feel the safest, right?

some people don’t have that privilege, to have a country to call ‘home’.

some people don’t have that, one thing that many people take for granted.

how you can feel at home, when you will always be seen as something ‘different’? Mind you, that different doesn’t mean negative, but the feeling of “we” and “them” is always there, unspoken, hanging in the air.

Moreover, some people also being treated differently, and by this, negatively. Immigrant is often seen and called as ‘guest-workers’ and even though they’ve lived in host country all their lives, a lot of local people still see them as allochtoon.

how you can make a home in a place where you are continuously being asked, “why don’t you go back to your home country?” or “when you will go back?”

Over the years, I’ve seen the people with mix-bloods are lucky people, because they have dual citizenship, good-looks, and two cultures and two countries to call home. Their life seems more exciting to me.

But after some time of research, I realize that there is balance in this world. What they have doesn’t come without a cost.

I may not be as good-looking as they are, or wealthy, or lucky.

People might not see me with awe, but at least I can say confidently, “I am Indonesian.”

I will always have a place where I feel belong.

I can go incognito.

I don’t stand-out like a peacock.

I have a home.

wonderful! 🙂

the perfect man, marriage, and choosing the one

Published January 12, 2011 by jasmilenka

I’ve been thinking of relationship lately. Simply because it seems that everyone around me is either hooking up, broke up, engaged, or even… married. It seems that it’s so easy for them to find the perfect man, or the perfect girl. If things doesn’t work out, then let it be. Is that the essence of being young? You give it a try, you fail or succeed, either way, it will not be the end of the way for you. There will be a new path opens up, and you can choose either to take it or stick to the old one. The old one will not remains the same for things always change, but at least it’s less risky and more familiar.

Marriage. Urgh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a family girl at heart and although I also have a clear vision of what my life would be, career included, but still I want to have a nice family in the future, with a loving husband and two, or maybe three adorable children. I would really love a girl, but since I can’t control my womb no matter how hard I try, I don’t mind boys too.

It’s just that marriage. It’s such a serious thing, it’s scary. I mean one person for the rest of your life? How if that person turns out to be boring, masochist, sexist, or pervert? They say that you will not know a person until you start to live with them. I know several people choose to live together before marriage, and I think it’s brilliant and bold for the sake of the idea, but since it will never be an option for me, well it lives only as an idea, period.

Some people know for sure, even at such a young age. Romeo n Juliet did. Or they were foolish enough because infatuation made them blind. They were young, they had raging hormones. But in the real world, hundreds of couple married at young age, early 20’s and they stay true until their dying breath. Awesome, isn’t it? Of course there were hundreds of other couple who ended up as arch-enemy or probably a frenemies, but hey, we can’t have all that we want.

I saw some couple just glided easily from dating to engagement to marriage, some struggles. Some involves temporary separation, until a baby arrives unexpectedly, or they realize they prefer to fight with the other person than to make love with anybody else. *jeger.

I wonder which one will I be.

I have, of course, a perfect couple as my role model. They are not Brangelina, or Princess Diana n Prince Charles (what??) but they are perfect in their own way. They are my mother and father. Their story is always make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. They are worlds apart, and my father is the black sheep that no one takes seriously, while my mom is the princess of the goodie-two-shoes whom everyone loves and cherished. But my father pursue my mother with so much perseverance, snatched her from the previous BF (a guy that is so super nice, and can be a good father for me and my siblings of course) and ended up married. People were guessing as how long this inter-world marriage would survive, but it does until now, 23 long glorious years later. There were hard times, there is hard time and there will be as much I hate it, but somehow my parents manages it so well. There were fights and tears, and although my parents have tried to keep it from me and my siblings, naturally we knew. It terrified me, but it gives me hope. To actually find someone who loves me enough to try to stay, through everything, either it’s bad economy, career, fatal disease, accidents, death.

I will not tolerate infidelity. right now, I’d rather have my arms cut and smash to pieces than endure a playboy husband.

I wonder how my own marriage will be. My dream, of course start with a perfect wedding. I think it will be a big lie if a girl claims to never have dream about her wedding and the perfection she imagines. I have mine. I also have a big picture about the honeymoon I would want in the future. N of course, the life afterward. The joy of choosing wallpaper or first set of china, or maybe baby names, or cooking your husband’s dinner. It sounds silly, but when combine together, it could make up for the harder times that is sure to come.

Back to the topic of choosing a perfect man. How do you choose ‘the one’? Should he be funny, smart, talented, smooth, romantic, a hard worker, perhaps a healthy dose of mysterious edge, the one that intrigue instead of hurting you, and maybe come from suitable family? Suitable as in well-educated, well-behaved, well-connected or even have some good old money, because like it or not, environment does shape you, a lot. Of course, a bunch of high achievers, open-minded and fun circle of friends wouldn’t hurt either. They say how do you choose your friends show your true self. Makes me wonder if you have a close knitted friends that are all ass holes, what is that make you? haha.

How about loving a person the way they are? Choosing perfection and the latter, it sounds a bit contradictory for me. How come you are sure that no one is better? Yes you can look, but how far you will go to pursue your own happiness? One’s happiness is as free as others’, is it not?

I think everyone wants to be happy. Even people who do arranged marriage. I once read that people, basically, would never want to be alone. So, even if you are alone and happy, at some point, wouldn’t it be horrible if you look into a mirror and the reflection looks back is a lined, old face with deep sadden eyes, full of regret and loneliness? It could happen, which is why, people do match-making for their friends, some even like clock-work. maybe one thing more awful than that is to be with someone who is constantly making you feel degraded and inferior. But at the beginning, the promise of youth and the bright future might cloud that misery long enough to lure someone into arranged marriage, or a hasty one. But after they faded, the youth and the physical attractiveness has gone, people have added weight and grow some lines, what will happen?

I know I am being a bit close minded and judging here, but I just can’t wrapped my head around the idea of arranged marriage.

Anyway, again, people wants to be happy. One simple goal, but various complicated ways to go there.

Probably in choosing the one, that is still the same goal. Heck, that is the goal.I think and I do hope that people in the beginning, won’t settle for something less. I hope that at the beginning, people genuinely think that they already get the best they can muster. I hope that when my time comes, I will not sitting nervously before the ceremony, chewing on my nails and smear my make up because I am nervous and wonder if I have make the right choice; whether my parent’s or my friends’ choice is the right one. I want to be blissfully happy and can’t wait to be married, and of course, I’d hope the same from my spouse. I don’t want marriage of convenience. Still I wonder if there’s any marriage of convenience that last long. Eventually, love or contempt will come, and that marriage wouldn’t be so convenient anymore.

Anyway… in the end, I think people don’t have various reasons behind how they are choosing the one. But they do have different standard. Standard that is influenced by education, environment, life style, friends, families, and so on. Some people won’t settle for other than perfect match. Some will be willing to accept slow burning fire that will not explode, but will always be there, giving subtle and stable warm. Some opted for a firework-kind-of-fire that will start magnificently but will burn out as fast.

People don’t like to be alone. I think when you lie next to somebody that will listen, comfort, or correct you whenever you need them, or ready to give you a simple but much needed hug, or to do your tie when you can’t do it properly, who will make time to find your favorite pair of old shoe or jumper; those are signs of that much sought and discussed love. It comes in different ways. But I think love is like a beauty; people rarely describe it properly, but the kind that will be recognized when people see one.