hope

All posts tagged hope

A new leaf

Published March 11, 2013 by jasmilenka

I’ve seen several of my last blog-posts and yes, it’s been a year and a half since my last writing, and dear oh dear, they were negative posts. For the record, I clung to my comfort zone for almost a year after that *shamefaced. 

However, my life had changed a lot since the year 2011. I got into two different work places, got promoted, found a new wonderful person, moved to the capital, and guess what? Now I’m sitting in a class, in a process to prepare myself as a young diplomat. 

YES. I WAS SUCCESSFUL. I BEAT AROUND 15.000 PEOPLE TO GET INTO WHERE I AM. I AM THE CHOSEN 60S. 

Ministry of Foreign Affairs! Dude!! It’s been 3 months since I knew this fact, that I am a future diplomat, and I’m still quite dizzy with the fact. 

Granted, things have not been so smooth, but look how far I’ve grown. I mean when I posted my last post, I was so uncertain about my life, and now I’m sitting in a class, learning about things I will need to know as the front-runner of Indonesian diplomacy and guardian of her interest(s), feel more stable in life, and guess what? I’m now engaged (formally) to a wonderful guy *blush. 

We’re sitting in the same class and I have a very good view of him from where I seat, and that’s enough to distract me. I don’t know yet if this is love, but I feel very comfortable with him and despite the fact that we’re spending time together almost all day, every day, I find myself missing him at times. Crazy huh? 

Yes, there was drama and jealousy and fucked-up things, but I am okay with that. He loves to communicate as I do, so I am confident that we can work things out. We are so completely different but I think this is what we called opposite attracts 🙂 

well now I’m going back to the class as I should and can’t wait for lunch, but now I feel so happy and so full of love and hope and I cant wait to share it with the world!

 

Letter to God

Published January 20, 2011 by jasmilenka

Letter has strong power over human’s life. Not letters that create words, but letters that are created by words. One letter can have the power to destroy a person’s life, like what happened in Jane Austen’s real life, or Supersemar. Even in the time of emails and facebook, children still write letter to Sinterklaas, and a love letter is still highly appreciated.

I write when I’m sad, happy, or confuse.

so here it goes nothing.

Dear God,

first, I thank you for giving me this life. Hard as it can be, and although I never know how life in heaven might have been, I am still grateful for this placement, in which I have beautiful family, friends, and… well, all that I have right now. I realize that I can be situated in much horrible condition, and for that, I want to express my gratitude.

Life is all about balance–black and white, woman and man, light and dark, what is pleasure without pain. As perfect a life can be from the outside, a person will always struggle. I have my own thing to deal with.

Dear God,

this year is gonna be important for me. Not only I plan to graduate, I also have to enter the work force. But will I get the chance? I do not desire any job, I want a job that will give me the satisfaction I’m yearning for. Something that I can be proud of. Even more, something that will make me happy. Something that I love. Better if it enables me to meet beautiful and interesting people, and have a chance to work with them.

I have so many plans, like traveling and have internship abroad and see the world, either it’s Europe or US, or perhaps both, before I have to settle down and find a steady job. I love good system and being taken care of. I never thought of entrepreneurship. I want a good system and a lovely encouraging environment where competition is there but ones that I can handle. I really want to get into MOFA. it will be one of the greatest challenge of my life, perhaps the biggest of all. 10.000 applicants for 60 places? it’s less than 1%. yes, creme de la creme of Indonesia. just to think about it, well it freaks me out. How far shall i move forward? what’s my limit? I can always try to push it, but sometimes I am afraid that my writing is only bullock, that I’m a great talker but not actually a person that will do follow through.

I see people around me have move forward. But I can’t. I am a bit de-motivated right now.  Please God, help me find again my motivation. I need to be excellent in this. I need to get a high mark for my final task. I want to graduate cum-laude. I will not get the same chance, so I can’t waste this chance.

I love to have targets and challenges. But do I push myself too much, too early?

God, please help me to identify my own limit so I will not burn out in the middle. I hope it’s only a phase.  I don’t think it’s my limit yet. I think I can juggle more. I need to get out that stupid prophecy out of my mind. I can’t start a year by think negatively. I need to remember that I will not be alone.

Dear God, you will not give me any burden that I can’t handle, will you?

Moreover, I found something special last year, something that I hope will continue this year. I don’t have the strength to let go just yet. Or perhaps, I do not want to let go.

I decided that I have to trust him. Yes, it’s a person. But distance is something that I fear. Physically and mentally. I need to have comfort and a sense of security, despite the miles that exist between me and him. Mentally, our worlds grow apart, farther and farther everyday.

I know the law of opposite attracts, and for elements, it might work so well–the more differences you have, the bigger the attraction that’s created–but as for human, I believe that attractions come from connections. Connections come from similarities. Two people from two different worlds, entirely, will not be able to connect, and I am sure of that.

Dear God, complications are part of this. I gave it my word that I would try, and for now, for better or worse, I am happy with it. It’s adequate for the moment. But more and more external factors come.

I saw the thing and i was okay with it, but people around me started to make comments and it weren’t the nicest comments, and I started to worry. Do I need to feel threatened? How much shall I give? How much should I value the truth? Does being wise and truthful is the same, or at least, close to each other?

Dear God, it’s hard enough without this, and yet, had I been given a choice, I think I’d prefer to know. I prefer to be hurt and yet know the truth, than blissfully ignorant, but then fallen harder in the end.

why I can’t learn to rely on my own judgment? Because who have a higher knowledge about what’s best for me than.. me? I hope I will be able to more independent, to stop being such a baby. I need to find that confidence. And for me, confidence is something that I have to earn. I know parts and will make out the know-how as I go along. But I do hope, sincerely, that I will not put my trust in the wrong place.

Dear God, I am a girl who is learning to trust. For some obsolete reasons, I trust him. Obsolete as in ‘i can see and feel it’. There’s no scientific proof, only a matter of heart. Oh dear, I think that medieval side of me just crawl out.

Dear God, I’m also confuse. I think, if I want, I can have another choice. Person that is straight-forward-downright sweet, smart and quite interesting. Yes, he can be a bit patronizing, but he is also a very religious man, not to mention tall and handsome and reliable. he’s a hard worker.

If i let it flow, I will be able to like him, even more. I am sure with that. But will I?

There’s something endearing about the complicated one. It’s funny how I seems to cling to it, since i am encouraged to explore the world, to not limiting myself. Seeking actively or what? just waiting for to people to come? Come to think of it, I wonder what limited freedom is. Should I ask?

Laugh-out-loud. Now I understand what he meant by boundaries. But I think, as the process goes on and move on, no matter what I am, I will be more careful to ask since I will be afraid to offend someone. Since I will not be in the luxury of losing nothing.

Dear God,

sometimes I ask why my path and his have to meet. I don’t regret it, but if this is going nowhere, so it all will be in vain. Except that it isn’t, since I have open myself differently than to any other person. And then again, perhaps every person will affect me differently.

till next time, please keep an eye on me.

all my love