independent

All posts tagged independent

Moving on

Published May 16, 2011 by jasmilenka

Moving on.

That’s either the most empowering phrase or a sad phrase.

Every end it’s also a beginning; every beginning, could be an ending for someone else.

rhetorical statements.

My situation is unique. Most people move on because they are ceased to be in love, because they broke up, because they’ve been cheated, or time changes them irrevocably and the used to oh-so-cute couple can’t spend a day together without arguing massively.

I am not. I’m still in love as ever. He still stay in my good side of the book. I still think of him fondly. Meeting him still give me pleasure. You know, the usual. And he loves me. I know.

But when you are involved with someone and the talk of goodbye, separation, and being independent keep popping, well, you can’t help but wonder.

I love being love. You know, it makes me happy. But there’s always a but.

I suck at goodbye. I always cry my eyes out.

I have no self-control whatsoever at the moment of goodbye.

CHILDISH.

I have to stop complaining and just get on with life.

I am no longer a child.

The talk of separation is killing me and I guess I have to get myself used to it so when the inevitable happens, I am ready.

Or just live the moments?

that’s a completely two different statements.

Live the moment or bear in mind the inevitable always??

When you have a taste of what a gem feels like, afterwards when you try less, you can’t help but compare, and everyone should be perceived in their own unique ways.

SHOULD.

Just be confident and try?

See this as a chance and not a liability?

Go and find yourself a chance.

Go.

Live.

There are other things in your life.

Enjoy it.

You are young.

I read something interesting today. When you depart from this world, it should be with a chocolate box in one hand and wine in others, in a well-worn body, not in a perfect condition and sigh,”What a RIDE!”

is love a losing game?

Published May 11, 2011 by jasmilenka

from Amy Winehouse’s song, which I happen to listen to right now, if anyone wonder about the similarity of the title.

and no, it’s not a review nor analysis about the lyric.

I never experience love and when I do, after some days of perfect bliss, it also brings me pain and makes me question my self.

It changes me. I am a different person, different girl.

a better one? not necessary.

I have a bigger heart perhaps, but it is also a bruised  one, here and there.

I understand the pain of feeling helpless.

I experienced the “oh-so-teenage-comic” phrase of choking with your own tears.

The pain in your chest.

The feeling of tension in your stomach.

Even nausea.

I feel that I am so stupid. why do I hang on to this?

but true, there are times when I feel so happy.

sometimes it’s not a big thing, but I still feel good about it.

God, what’s the balance in this?

Yes, I am an adult and I should take responsibility of my own action. That when I do and choose things, I know it doesn’t come without a cost.

But today, again, I feel a slap on my face.

I think I have to stop this.

Either to cut all aspects of this relationship entirely or make peace with it.

the fact is, that statement will always be there.

I wonder which action that will bring me peace in the end.

Ignore and simply forget about it?

or come to have a peace with it?

time will tell, will it not?

Unfair act of God or…?

Published January 14, 2011 by jasmilenka

My holiday is coming to an end. I don’t have any complaints though, because I’ve had marvelous time and to be honest, it’s started to get boring, and of course, my financial condition is a bit short too. With all those trips, mall-scouting(s) and eating out, it’s not surprising. But hey, it’s a holiday anyway… 🙂

I’m currently staying at my cousin’s house, and got a lovely chance yesterday to have a real talk with two of my seniors in my family, the only two, I should add, since I’m the eldest in girl’s lineage. We talk about boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, ex’s, and inevitably, God.

It started with a bit reminiscence about free will discussion, about how mankind think himself as a God, when he thinks he can do anything he likes. That’s why sometime someone fails, because he’s stepping out of his boundary. But for my opinion, no offense to anyone, we always have to try push our boundary. Nothing is wrong with that. I know human have tried to be God-like throughout the century, even in the Bible itself  ‘know not that ye are God?’ since it’s said that human was created in God’s image. It’s also have been repeatedly said in Isaac Newton works, Sumerian Tablet, and many more in thousands of years of human history.

I personally think it’s a bit arrogant. It’s said in many books, but since human wrote it, there are rooms for mistake, always have been. I mean human can interpret one thing to be a thousand other things. I don’t think that in human history, ever, or maybe with the exception of the holiest, our prophets, there’s a publication that base on purity without the touch of someone’s interest, however slightest.

God, in here, probably can be interpret as the ‘smart one’. The one that created things, the one that always push themselves beyond boundary, the one that can have whatever he wants, even in the cost of others, but of course with consequences. The one that questions thing. But not necessarily the one that invincible. Human is a fragile little thing. We might have the strongest mind and our will power can make us do extraordinary things, but even the slightest change in nature can affect us  greatly. We are able to manipulate things, to create artificial rain and predict storm, but not make an artificial storm or change the climate as we please.

Back to the topic. It’s about fate. It’s said that our life, our fate has been written by God. That every single little thing in our life has been predetermined. If our life is one straight path, every single pebble inside, every bits of dust have been placed. We can’t change them, unless we pray, unless we hope. Of course we can try to change it, we can push ourselves, but the thing is everything has been predetermined before. I, for one, can’t believe it.

why? Because it sounds so unfair. If that’s true, then someone is born with the fate of being loser, or murderer, or corrupter, while some others are born with the fate of successful entrepreneur, or doctor, or a great lawyer. How God determine which one is what? Reincarnation is still questioned and not a fact universally accepted, so I can’t guess that the selection process based on that.

If that’s true, then someone has to work twice as hard to become a successful person, had he ‘destined’ to be a loser. While others, if ‘destined’ to be a successful person, doesn’t have to do anything.

For me it sounds like we don’t want to work hard. It’s as if that we don’t want to take responsibility of our actions, because ‘all have been written before’.I also think, being God, the predestined fate must have some power. That’s being said, it means that God is pushing some ‘bad-predestined’ people toward evil. That sounds so unfair.

As for me, I think that God has written some of the definite things, like our birth date and when our life’s gonna be taken from us. Even for the latter, I’ve read that even that could be changed, based on our actions in life. We may not be totally free, but human is a free being. We can do whatever we like, provide it’s done in the space God has given to us. I am not talking about religion or norm, but more to physical capability we are born with. Like as much as we want, reading someone’s mind is a bit impossible, and we can’t go dive to the deep sea trench if we are not properly equipped. I think human is being treated like an adult. God doesn’t have to spoon things up to our mouth. When things happen, it’s not that God can’t change or prevent it–how come, since He knows all of our thoughts–but choose not to, since we all gonna be judged sometimes. And it needs to be fair.

As for fate, I choose to believe that my fate has not been written. Everything is undetermined, and so, whatever I achieve or do, it can be held accountable to me. If I fail, that’s because of my mistake, not because God make me. If God choose to not granted me the things I want, it’s probably because it’s not the best thing for me.If I fail, I want to believe that’s because the condition isn’t right at the moment, not because it’s written so.

I want and need to believe that if I made a mistake, at least that will be mine, not someone else’s.

I see life as a chain of reaction. Every turn, mistake, good things we do, they are all gonna create a new chain of actions. Every choice is gonna take us to a new intersection. We will learn new things as we grow up.

What’s life but endless chains of overlapping things right?

 

Being a woman is hard

Published July 30, 2010 by jasmilenka

I’m a junkie of all thing’s vintage. I love vintage clothes, vintage classic songs, vintage love story. My favorite books written by Jane Austen and one of my favorite movie, among others, is Pride and Prejudice. Many times I bought a book often because it’s written in my favorite era. My favorite subject in school is history,  one of many, actually. Since I was little, I ate all the books about French Revolution, the falls of Roman Empire and the concubine turned maharani thing, all because it’s not modern. I’m not hater for modern things, because I love jeans, internet, fast cars, and freedom to do anything I’m inspire to do in my life. But there’s something endearing about that era. The courtship, the manner, the language, the dress, the matchmaking process, the dresses, the life style–when people can visit friends for months and that’s normal. And also the friendship people forge with each other. I suppose, when people have so little thing to amuse themselves, company from agreeable people is one of the thing that will make you hold on to life instead of killing yourself out of boredom. Sometimes I want to live in that era. Being born a noble woman, independent and have a massive amount of fortune, surely.. 😀  Because at that time, working is out of the question and society is very important. One almost can’t live without it and one can’t be agreeable to society if you’re poor or related to trades in any kind.

But then, I prefer to live in this time. Why so? Because being a woman is hard enough.

Women have been a subject for agony for thousand of years. In Roman time we were seen as object, in medieval Europe we were haunted and burn at stakes, in this modern time, women have more freedom, surely, but not enough. I dont demand extreme equality, but a bit of trust of woman’s judgement.

I admit I wrote this because I was frustrated. I want to go out and see the world, and I cant do that. I’ve argued so long and I was called naive which implicate “stupid” and it seems nothing I said have made an impact. Finally I was granted a short freedom with long list of “to-dos” but it’ll be the last time I can do this. I’ll be grounded for the rest of my life, or until I can provide for myself, move out of the house, and be a complete adult.

I’m looking forward to it actually.

but now, I will be doing lot of talking, pleading, holding back tears, arguing, smiling, and bowing.

Ah. Price to be paid of being born in this gender I suppose