intersection

All posts tagged intersection

Moving on

Published May 16, 2011 by jasmilenka

Moving on.

That’s either the most empowering phrase or a sad phrase.

Every end it’s also a beginning; every beginning, could be an ending for someone else.

rhetorical statements.

My situation is unique. Most people move on because they are ceased to be in love, because they broke up, because they’ve been cheated, or time changes them irrevocably and the used to oh-so-cute couple can’t spend a day together without arguing massively.

I am not. I’m still in love as ever. He still stay in my good side of the book. I still think of him fondly. Meeting him still give me pleasure. You know, the usual. And he loves me. I know.

But when you are involved with someone and the talk of goodbye, separation, and being independent keep popping, well, you can’t help but wonder.

I love being love. You know, it makes me happy. But there’s always a but.

I suck at goodbye. I always cry my eyes out.

I have no self-control whatsoever at the moment of goodbye.

CHILDISH.

I have to stop complaining and just get on with life.

I am no longer a child.

The talk of separation is killing me and I guess I have to get myself used to it so when the inevitable happens, I am ready.

Or just live the moments?

that’s a completely two different statements.

Live the moment or bear in mind the inevitable always??

When you have a taste of what a gem feels like, afterwards when you try less, you can’t help but compare, and everyone should be perceived in their own unique ways.

SHOULD.

Just be confident and try?

See this as a chance and not a liability?

Go and find yourself a chance.

Go.

Live.

There are other things in your life.

Enjoy it.

You are young.

I read something interesting today. When you depart from this world, it should be with a chocolate box in one hand and wine in others, in a well-worn body, not in a perfect condition and sigh,”What a RIDE!”

is love a losing game?

Published May 11, 2011 by jasmilenka

from Amy Winehouse’s song, which I happen to listen to right now, if anyone wonder about the similarity of the title.

and no, it’s not a review nor analysis about the lyric.

I never experience love and when I do, after some days of perfect bliss, it also brings me pain and makes me question my self.

It changes me. I am a different person, different girl.

a better one? not necessary.

I have a bigger heart perhaps, but it is also a bruised  one, here and there.

I understand the pain of feeling helpless.

I experienced the “oh-so-teenage-comic” phrase of choking with your own tears.

The pain in your chest.

The feeling of tension in your stomach.

Even nausea.

I feel that I am so stupid. why do I hang on to this?

but true, there are times when I feel so happy.

sometimes it’s not a big thing, but I still feel good about it.

God, what’s the balance in this?

Yes, I am an adult and I should take responsibility of my own action. That when I do and choose things, I know it doesn’t come without a cost.

But today, again, I feel a slap on my face.

I think I have to stop this.

Either to cut all aspects of this relationship entirely or make peace with it.

the fact is, that statement will always be there.

I wonder which action that will bring me peace in the end.

Ignore and simply forget about it?

or come to have a peace with it?

time will tell, will it not?

letter to devil

Published April 10, 2011 by jasmilenka

dear God,

Dear Life,

Dear Devil,

I feel so shitty right now.  I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and say,”Fine, you won! I’m lost, happy now???”

I know that there are so many other people in this world that are also hurting, and even have even a more depressed life than I have, but sometimes I think you have to grant yourself some time to self-pitying.

People aren’t perfect, and so am I. I think we are allowed certain amount of time to idleness.

Not only I have this pang of jealousy to some of my friends, with their brilliant life, but I also feel that my life’s quite static, despite the money I’ve spent. Well, maybe I see the ‘sacrifice’ in the wrong part. Maybe I should have counted the effort I put, not the money I’ve spent. In term of the effort, I think yes I am very – very much not the hardest working person in the world.

okay, point one check. I NEED TO BE BETTER FOR GOD’S SAKE. AND FIND SCHOLARSHIPS AND OPPORTUNITIES.

second, I’ve been in love with this person for some time now. I think a year since I first started and a few months since we’ve been dating. I’m not supposed to count, but hell, I do it anyway.

He always make me really happy on the good days, and extremely awful on the bad ones.  Yesterday happened to be the latter.

The funny thing is, I don’t know how to summon up my own feelings. That’s weird, since eloquence is not something I have problems with, usually. But with him, everything turns upside down.

Anyway, I have this fear of saying the magic words, the i love you thing. I managed to say it to him, and I didn’t regret it, but yesterday, he said something like ‘you really love me, do you? I don’t know if I deserve it’.

Suddenly I felt so angry. If you think that you don’t deserve it, then why started in the first place???

I felt like he’s letting his responsibility go. Like he will go somewhere. Will he?

Despite that sometimes he will be the person I choose as the person I love the most, he still couldn’t grasp the concept that I’m not comfortable to have the fact shove onto my face. That love thing.  Call me hypocrite or run from the truth, but that’s just the way it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I do REALLY love him. Or maybe I do, and a bit too much, for I’m so much affected by his actions, good or bad. He realizes it too, perhaps, for he’s saying that it’s good for me to feel angry to him, because it’s normal.

I wanted to smack his head because of it.

There’s nothing normal about our relationship, so why bother??

If you opted for the abnormal, then don’t say you like the sense of normality. Or he might think that it’s good for me to treat him as my equal, not my superior.

Yes, I understand the point, but sometimes he’s the one who shaking things up. I mean, I’ve been told that I over-thinking everything, and I should be more laid-back.

I’ve tried and I was kind-of successful in it. When I want to contact him, I will. I don’t scrutinize my phone for five minutes, thinking the pros and cons. But then, he said that, those words.

and I began to think,”Oh my God, what kind of person I’m involving myself into? Have i made the most terrible mistake? Handing over power to one individual that doesn’t know how to use it properly?”

I feel like he’s acting like my superior. ‘You love me SO MUCH, so I have massive power over you’ kind-of-stuff.

Then he said that he doesn’t know if he deserves it.

Merde, can’t you just accept it and be grateful??

I know that he’s afraid that I might get hurt, but instead of doing something, he left everything onto my own hands. I have to be the one who stop myself when I got too involved, and meanwhile, he’s treating me so nicely (in the good days).

Perhaps it sounds reasonable, but not everyone is as reasonable as he is. Perhaps I’m not one of them.

I want to do this relationship the best way I can, so if something happened, and it might, seeing how things are evolving, I will have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done the best I could ever muster.

But with the ‘wrong-person, massive-power thing’ I couldn’t help but fall into my old habit, thinking of things.

I really don’t know how else I could communicate this.

complicated??

You bet

Letter to God

Published January 20, 2011 by jasmilenka

Letter has strong power over human’s life. Not letters that create words, but letters that are created by words. One letter can have the power to destroy a person’s life, like what happened in Jane Austen’s real life, or Supersemar. Even in the time of emails and facebook, children still write letter to Sinterklaas, and a love letter is still highly appreciated.

I write when I’m sad, happy, or confuse.

so here it goes nothing.

Dear God,

first, I thank you for giving me this life. Hard as it can be, and although I never know how life in heaven might have been, I am still grateful for this placement, in which I have beautiful family, friends, and… well, all that I have right now. I realize that I can be situated in much horrible condition, and for that, I want to express my gratitude.

Life is all about balance–black and white, woman and man, light and dark, what is pleasure without pain. As perfect a life can be from the outside, a person will always struggle. I have my own thing to deal with.

Dear God,

this year is gonna be important for me. Not only I plan to graduate, I also have to enter the work force. But will I get the chance? I do not desire any job, I want a job that will give me the satisfaction I’m yearning for. Something that I can be proud of. Even more, something that will make me happy. Something that I love. Better if it enables me to meet beautiful and interesting people, and have a chance to work with them.

I have so many plans, like traveling and have internship abroad and see the world, either it’s Europe or US, or perhaps both, before I have to settle down and find a steady job. I love good system and being taken care of. I never thought of entrepreneurship. I want a good system and a lovely encouraging environment where competition is there but ones that I can handle. I really want to get into MOFA. it will be one of the greatest challenge of my life, perhaps the biggest of all. 10.000 applicants for 60 places? it’s less than 1%. yes, creme de la creme of Indonesia. just to think about it, well it freaks me out. How far shall i move forward? what’s my limit? I can always try to push it, but sometimes I am afraid that my writing is only bullock, that I’m a great talker but not actually a person that will do follow through.

I see people around me have move forward. But I can’t. I am a bit de-motivated right now.  Please God, help me find again my motivation. I need to be excellent in this. I need to get a high mark for my final task. I want to graduate cum-laude. I will not get the same chance, so I can’t waste this chance.

I love to have targets and challenges. But do I push myself too much, too early?

God, please help me to identify my own limit so I will not burn out in the middle. I hope it’s only a phase.  I don’t think it’s my limit yet. I think I can juggle more. I need to get out that stupid prophecy out of my mind. I can’t start a year by think negatively. I need to remember that I will not be alone.

Dear God, you will not give me any burden that I can’t handle, will you?

Moreover, I found something special last year, something that I hope will continue this year. I don’t have the strength to let go just yet. Or perhaps, I do not want to let go.

I decided that I have to trust him. Yes, it’s a person. But distance is something that I fear. Physically and mentally. I need to have comfort and a sense of security, despite the miles that exist between me and him. Mentally, our worlds grow apart, farther and farther everyday.

I know the law of opposite attracts, and for elements, it might work so well–the more differences you have, the bigger the attraction that’s created–but as for human, I believe that attractions come from connections. Connections come from similarities. Two people from two different worlds, entirely, will not be able to connect, and I am sure of that.

Dear God, complications are part of this. I gave it my word that I would try, and for now, for better or worse, I am happy with it. It’s adequate for the moment. But more and more external factors come.

I saw the thing and i was okay with it, but people around me started to make comments and it weren’t the nicest comments, and I started to worry. Do I need to feel threatened? How much shall I give? How much should I value the truth? Does being wise and truthful is the same, or at least, close to each other?

Dear God, it’s hard enough without this, and yet, had I been given a choice, I think I’d prefer to know. I prefer to be hurt and yet know the truth, than blissfully ignorant, but then fallen harder in the end.

why I can’t learn to rely on my own judgment? Because who have a higher knowledge about what’s best for me than.. me? I hope I will be able to more independent, to stop being such a baby. I need to find that confidence. And for me, confidence is something that I have to earn. I know parts and will make out the know-how as I go along. But I do hope, sincerely, that I will not put my trust in the wrong place.

Dear God, I am a girl who is learning to trust. For some obsolete reasons, I trust him. Obsolete as in ‘i can see and feel it’. There’s no scientific proof, only a matter of heart. Oh dear, I think that medieval side of me just crawl out.

Dear God, I’m also confuse. I think, if I want, I can have another choice. Person that is straight-forward-downright sweet, smart and quite interesting. Yes, he can be a bit patronizing, but he is also a very religious man, not to mention tall and handsome and reliable. he’s a hard worker.

If i let it flow, I will be able to like him, even more. I am sure with that. But will I?

There’s something endearing about the complicated one. It’s funny how I seems to cling to it, since i am encouraged to explore the world, to not limiting myself. Seeking actively or what? just waiting for to people to come? Come to think of it, I wonder what limited freedom is. Should I ask?

Laugh-out-loud. Now I understand what he meant by boundaries. But I think, as the process goes on and move on, no matter what I am, I will be more careful to ask since I will be afraid to offend someone. Since I will not be in the luxury of losing nothing.

Dear God,

sometimes I ask why my path and his have to meet. I don’t regret it, but if this is going nowhere, so it all will be in vain. Except that it isn’t, since I have open myself differently than to any other person. And then again, perhaps every person will affect me differently.

till next time, please keep an eye on me.

all my love