love

All posts tagged love

A new leaf

Published March 11, 2013 by jasmilenka

I’ve seen several of my last blog-posts and yes, it’s been a year and a half since my last writing, and dear oh dear, they were negative posts. For the record, I clung to my comfort zone for almost a year after that *shamefaced. 

However, my life had changed a lot since the year 2011. I got into two different work places, got promoted, found a new wonderful person, moved to the capital, and guess what? Now I’m sitting in a class, in a process to prepare myself as a young diplomat. 

YES. I WAS SUCCESSFUL. I BEAT AROUND 15.000 PEOPLE TO GET INTO WHERE I AM. I AM THE CHOSEN 60S. 

Ministry of Foreign Affairs! Dude!! It’s been 3 months since I knew this fact, that I am a future diplomat, and I’m still quite dizzy with the fact. 

Granted, things have not been so smooth, but look how far I’ve grown. I mean when I posted my last post, I was so uncertain about my life, and now I’m sitting in a class, learning about things I will need to know as the front-runner of Indonesian diplomacy and guardian of her interest(s), feel more stable in life, and guess what? I’m now engaged (formally) to a wonderful guy *blush. 

We’re sitting in the same class and I have a very good view of him from where I seat, and that’s enough to distract me. I don’t know yet if this is love, but I feel very comfortable with him and despite the fact that we’re spending time together almost all day, every day, I find myself missing him at times. Crazy huh? 

Yes, there was drama and jealousy and fucked-up things, but I am okay with that. He loves to communicate as I do, so I am confident that we can work things out. We are so completely different but I think this is what we called opposite attracts 🙂 

well now I’m going back to the class as I should and can’t wait for lunch, but now I feel so happy and so full of love and hope and I cant wait to share it with the world!

 

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Moving on

Published May 16, 2011 by jasmilenka

Moving on.

That’s either the most empowering phrase or a sad phrase.

Every end it’s also a beginning; every beginning, could be an ending for someone else.

rhetorical statements.

My situation is unique. Most people move on because they are ceased to be in love, because they broke up, because they’ve been cheated, or time changes them irrevocably and the used to oh-so-cute couple can’t spend a day together without arguing massively.

I am not. I’m still in love as ever. He still stay in my good side of the book. I still think of him fondly. Meeting him still give me pleasure. You know, the usual. And he loves me. I know.

But when you are involved with someone and the talk of goodbye, separation, and being independent keep popping, well, you can’t help but wonder.

I love being love. You know, it makes me happy. But there’s always a but.

I suck at goodbye. I always cry my eyes out.

I have no self-control whatsoever at the moment of goodbye.

CHILDISH.

I have to stop complaining and just get on with life.

I am no longer a child.

The talk of separation is killing me and I guess I have to get myself used to it so when the inevitable happens, I am ready.

Or just live the moments?

that’s a completely two different statements.

Live the moment or bear in mind the inevitable always??

When you have a taste of what a gem feels like, afterwards when you try less, you can’t help but compare, and everyone should be perceived in their own unique ways.

SHOULD.

Just be confident and try?

See this as a chance and not a liability?

Go and find yourself a chance.

Go.

Live.

There are other things in your life.

Enjoy it.

You are young.

I read something interesting today. When you depart from this world, it should be with a chocolate box in one hand and wine in others, in a well-worn body, not in a perfect condition and sigh,”What a RIDE!”

The babystar-Sunday lyric

Published May 11, 2011 by jasmilenka

it just brought tears to my eyes!

a friend just gave me this song, said that it’s his favourite song.

now it seems that it will be mine as well

I love the energetic melody, but mostly the lyric.

Can I say,”LOVE????”

so here it goes, taken from  http://mylyric.6te.net/lyrics.php?artistlyrics=The_Babystars–Sunday_english_translation

read it and tell me if you’re not in love as well!

The Babystars lyrics

Sunday (english translation) lyrics

Artist/band: The Babystars
Album:
Genre: Pop
Posted by: Che-Che

Even those worn-out words, I love you, take on a wonderful new meaning
When I use them to express my love for you; theyre words for you only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
I quietly pray that this lasts forever and you keep chatting

What do you like so much about me thats a hard question youve just asked
So for now ill stop watching the movie weve rented and just gaze at you

I love your fully blooming smile, even seeing it every day isnt enough
And thats without even mentioning that amazing body that looks good no matter what you wear

And thats just your looks, what about the important things inside you
You dont back down when youre pissed off and even snorting really annoys you
But theres so, so, so much more than that
I cant really describe it properly
I dont think you need a reason to fall in love
That parts a mystery to me, so please forgive me

Even those worn-out words, I love you, take on a wonderful new meaning
When I use them to express my love for you; theyre words for you only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
The more of this ordinary time that passes, the more comfortable we feel together

You pretend to be strong, so the fleeting tears you show occasionally are a white flag
When we dont say anything, its exactly that that keeps me from looking away

Sadness and pain
Of course life brings all kinds of things like that
But just your casual hang in there gives me strength
Whenever your little back trembles I hold you right away
Even if the scenery we can see from the window changes
Be by my side, terrible sleeping habits and all

Even those worn-out words, I hate you, mean the opposite to me
If its you saying them when youre sulking, theyre words for me only
In a sunny spot on sunday, its an ordinary sunday like any other
Ill say it one more time: I love you, all the time

Its a sunday like any other
Its an ordinary sunday
But its a special sunday

if you want the song, just google it and download it for free!!

letter to devil

Published April 10, 2011 by jasmilenka

dear God,

Dear Life,

Dear Devil,

I feel so shitty right now.  I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and say,”Fine, you won! I’m lost, happy now???”

I know that there are so many other people in this world that are also hurting, and even have even a more depressed life than I have, but sometimes I think you have to grant yourself some time to self-pitying.

People aren’t perfect, and so am I. I think we are allowed certain amount of time to idleness.

Not only I have this pang of jealousy to some of my friends, with their brilliant life, but I also feel that my life’s quite static, despite the money I’ve spent. Well, maybe I see the ‘sacrifice’ in the wrong part. Maybe I should have counted the effort I put, not the money I’ve spent. In term of the effort, I think yes I am very – very much not the hardest working person in the world.

okay, point one check. I NEED TO BE BETTER FOR GOD’S SAKE. AND FIND SCHOLARSHIPS AND OPPORTUNITIES.

second, I’ve been in love with this person for some time now. I think a year since I first started and a few months since we’ve been dating. I’m not supposed to count, but hell, I do it anyway.

He always make me really happy on the good days, and extremely awful on the bad ones.  Yesterday happened to be the latter.

The funny thing is, I don’t know how to summon up my own feelings. That’s weird, since eloquence is not something I have problems with, usually. But with him, everything turns upside down.

Anyway, I have this fear of saying the magic words, the i love you thing. I managed to say it to him, and I didn’t regret it, but yesterday, he said something like ‘you really love me, do you? I don’t know if I deserve it’.

Suddenly I felt so angry. If you think that you don’t deserve it, then why started in the first place???

I felt like he’s letting his responsibility go. Like he will go somewhere. Will he?

Despite that sometimes he will be the person I choose as the person I love the most, he still couldn’t grasp the concept that I’m not comfortable to have the fact shove onto my face. That love thing.  Call me hypocrite or run from the truth, but that’s just the way it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I do REALLY love him. Or maybe I do, and a bit too much, for I’m so much affected by his actions, good or bad. He realizes it too, perhaps, for he’s saying that it’s good for me to feel angry to him, because it’s normal.

I wanted to smack his head because of it.

There’s nothing normal about our relationship, so why bother??

If you opted for the abnormal, then don’t say you like the sense of normality. Or he might think that it’s good for me to treat him as my equal, not my superior.

Yes, I understand the point, but sometimes he’s the one who shaking things up. I mean, I’ve been told that I over-thinking everything, and I should be more laid-back.

I’ve tried and I was kind-of successful in it. When I want to contact him, I will. I don’t scrutinize my phone for five minutes, thinking the pros and cons. But then, he said that, those words.

and I began to think,”Oh my God, what kind of person I’m involving myself into? Have i made the most terrible mistake? Handing over power to one individual that doesn’t know how to use it properly?”

I feel like he’s acting like my superior. ‘You love me SO MUCH, so I have massive power over you’ kind-of-stuff.

Then he said that he doesn’t know if he deserves it.

Merde, can’t you just accept it and be grateful??

I know that he’s afraid that I might get hurt, but instead of doing something, he left everything onto my own hands. I have to be the one who stop myself when I got too involved, and meanwhile, he’s treating me so nicely (in the good days).

Perhaps it sounds reasonable, but not everyone is as reasonable as he is. Perhaps I’m not one of them.

I want to do this relationship the best way I can, so if something happened, and it might, seeing how things are evolving, I will have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done the best I could ever muster.

But with the ‘wrong-person, massive-power thing’ I couldn’t help but fall into my old habit, thinking of things.

I really don’t know how else I could communicate this.

complicated??

You bet

Letter to God

Published January 20, 2011 by jasmilenka

Letter has strong power over human’s life. Not letters that create words, but letters that are created by words. One letter can have the power to destroy a person’s life, like what happened in Jane Austen’s real life, or Supersemar. Even in the time of emails and facebook, children still write letter to Sinterklaas, and a love letter is still highly appreciated.

I write when I’m sad, happy, or confuse.

so here it goes nothing.

Dear God,

first, I thank you for giving me this life. Hard as it can be, and although I never know how life in heaven might have been, I am still grateful for this placement, in which I have beautiful family, friends, and… well, all that I have right now. I realize that I can be situated in much horrible condition, and for that, I want to express my gratitude.

Life is all about balance–black and white, woman and man, light and dark, what is pleasure without pain. As perfect a life can be from the outside, a person will always struggle. I have my own thing to deal with.

Dear God,

this year is gonna be important for me. Not only I plan to graduate, I also have to enter the work force. But will I get the chance? I do not desire any job, I want a job that will give me the satisfaction I’m yearning for. Something that I can be proud of. Even more, something that will make me happy. Something that I love. Better if it enables me to meet beautiful and interesting people, and have a chance to work with them.

I have so many plans, like traveling and have internship abroad and see the world, either it’s Europe or US, or perhaps both, before I have to settle down and find a steady job. I love good system and being taken care of. I never thought of entrepreneurship. I want a good system and a lovely encouraging environment where competition is there but ones that I can handle. I really want to get into MOFA. it will be one of the greatest challenge of my life, perhaps the biggest of all. 10.000 applicants for 60 places? it’s less than 1%. yes, creme de la creme of Indonesia. just to think about it, well it freaks me out. How far shall i move forward? what’s my limit? I can always try to push it, but sometimes I am afraid that my writing is only bullock, that I’m a great talker but not actually a person that will do follow through.

I see people around me have move forward. But I can’t. I am a bit de-motivated right now.  Please God, help me find again my motivation. I need to be excellent in this. I need to get a high mark for my final task. I want to graduate cum-laude. I will not get the same chance, so I can’t waste this chance.

I love to have targets and challenges. But do I push myself too much, too early?

God, please help me to identify my own limit so I will not burn out in the middle. I hope it’s only a phase.  I don’t think it’s my limit yet. I think I can juggle more. I need to get out that stupid prophecy out of my mind. I can’t start a year by think negatively. I need to remember that I will not be alone.

Dear God, you will not give me any burden that I can’t handle, will you?

Moreover, I found something special last year, something that I hope will continue this year. I don’t have the strength to let go just yet. Or perhaps, I do not want to let go.

I decided that I have to trust him. Yes, it’s a person. But distance is something that I fear. Physically and mentally. I need to have comfort and a sense of security, despite the miles that exist between me and him. Mentally, our worlds grow apart, farther and farther everyday.

I know the law of opposite attracts, and for elements, it might work so well–the more differences you have, the bigger the attraction that’s created–but as for human, I believe that attractions come from connections. Connections come from similarities. Two people from two different worlds, entirely, will not be able to connect, and I am sure of that.

Dear God, complications are part of this. I gave it my word that I would try, and for now, for better or worse, I am happy with it. It’s adequate for the moment. But more and more external factors come.

I saw the thing and i was okay with it, but people around me started to make comments and it weren’t the nicest comments, and I started to worry. Do I need to feel threatened? How much shall I give? How much should I value the truth? Does being wise and truthful is the same, or at least, close to each other?

Dear God, it’s hard enough without this, and yet, had I been given a choice, I think I’d prefer to know. I prefer to be hurt and yet know the truth, than blissfully ignorant, but then fallen harder in the end.

why I can’t learn to rely on my own judgment? Because who have a higher knowledge about what’s best for me than.. me? I hope I will be able to more independent, to stop being such a baby. I need to find that confidence. And for me, confidence is something that I have to earn. I know parts and will make out the know-how as I go along. But I do hope, sincerely, that I will not put my trust in the wrong place.

Dear God, I am a girl who is learning to trust. For some obsolete reasons, I trust him. Obsolete as in ‘i can see and feel it’. There’s no scientific proof, only a matter of heart. Oh dear, I think that medieval side of me just crawl out.

Dear God, I’m also confuse. I think, if I want, I can have another choice. Person that is straight-forward-downright sweet, smart and quite interesting. Yes, he can be a bit patronizing, but he is also a very religious man, not to mention tall and handsome and reliable. he’s a hard worker.

If i let it flow, I will be able to like him, even more. I am sure with that. But will I?

There’s something endearing about the complicated one. It’s funny how I seems to cling to it, since i am encouraged to explore the world, to not limiting myself. Seeking actively or what? just waiting for to people to come? Come to think of it, I wonder what limited freedom is. Should I ask?

Laugh-out-loud. Now I understand what he meant by boundaries. But I think, as the process goes on and move on, no matter what I am, I will be more careful to ask since I will be afraid to offend someone. Since I will not be in the luxury of losing nothing.

Dear God,

sometimes I ask why my path and his have to meet. I don’t regret it, but if this is going nowhere, so it all will be in vain. Except that it isn’t, since I have open myself differently than to any other person. And then again, perhaps every person will affect me differently.

till next time, please keep an eye on me.

all my love

the perfect man, marriage, and choosing the one

Published January 12, 2011 by jasmilenka

I’ve been thinking of relationship lately. Simply because it seems that everyone around me is either hooking up, broke up, engaged, or even… married. It seems that it’s so easy for them to find the perfect man, or the perfect girl. If things doesn’t work out, then let it be. Is that the essence of being young? You give it a try, you fail or succeed, either way, it will not be the end of the way for you. There will be a new path opens up, and you can choose either to take it or stick to the old one. The old one will not remains the same for things always change, but at least it’s less risky and more familiar.

Marriage. Urgh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a family girl at heart and although I also have a clear vision of what my life would be, career included, but still I want to have a nice family in the future, with a loving husband and two, or maybe three adorable children. I would really love a girl, but since I can’t control my womb no matter how hard I try, I don’t mind boys too.

It’s just that marriage. It’s such a serious thing, it’s scary. I mean one person for the rest of your life? How if that person turns out to be boring, masochist, sexist, or pervert? They say that you will not know a person until you start to live with them. I know several people choose to live together before marriage, and I think it’s brilliant and bold for the sake of the idea, but since it will never be an option for me, well it lives only as an idea, period.

Some people know for sure, even at such a young age. Romeo n Juliet did. Or they were foolish enough because infatuation made them blind. They were young, they had raging hormones. But in the real world, hundreds of couple married at young age, early 20’s and they stay true until their dying breath. Awesome, isn’t it? Of course there were hundreds of other couple who ended up as arch-enemy or probably a frenemies, but hey, we can’t have all that we want.

I saw some couple just glided easily from dating to engagement to marriage, some struggles. Some involves temporary separation, until a baby arrives unexpectedly, or they realize they prefer to fight with the other person than to make love with anybody else. *jeger.

I wonder which one will I be.

I have, of course, a perfect couple as my role model. They are not Brangelina, or Princess Diana n Prince Charles (what??) but they are perfect in their own way. They are my mother and father. Their story is always make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. They are worlds apart, and my father is the black sheep that no one takes seriously, while my mom is the princess of the goodie-two-shoes whom everyone loves and cherished. But my father pursue my mother with so much perseverance, snatched her from the previous BF (a guy that is so super nice, and can be a good father for me and my siblings of course) and ended up married. People were guessing as how long this inter-world marriage would survive, but it does until now, 23 long glorious years later. There were hard times, there is hard time and there will be as much I hate it, but somehow my parents manages it so well. There were fights and tears, and although my parents have tried to keep it from me and my siblings, naturally we knew. It terrified me, but it gives me hope. To actually find someone who loves me enough to try to stay, through everything, either it’s bad economy, career, fatal disease, accidents, death.

I will not tolerate infidelity. right now, I’d rather have my arms cut and smash to pieces than endure a playboy husband.

I wonder how my own marriage will be. My dream, of course start with a perfect wedding. I think it will be a big lie if a girl claims to never have dream about her wedding and the perfection she imagines. I have mine. I also have a big picture about the honeymoon I would want in the future. N of course, the life afterward. The joy of choosing wallpaper or first set of china, or maybe baby names, or cooking your husband’s dinner. It sounds silly, but when combine together, it could make up for the harder times that is sure to come.

Back to the topic of choosing a perfect man. How do you choose ‘the one’? Should he be funny, smart, talented, smooth, romantic, a hard worker, perhaps a healthy dose of mysterious edge, the one that intrigue instead of hurting you, and maybe come from suitable family? Suitable as in well-educated, well-behaved, well-connected or even have some good old money, because like it or not, environment does shape you, a lot. Of course, a bunch of high achievers, open-minded and fun circle of friends wouldn’t hurt either. They say how do you choose your friends show your true self. Makes me wonder if you have a close knitted friends that are all ass holes, what is that make you? haha.

How about loving a person the way they are? Choosing perfection and the latter, it sounds a bit contradictory for me. How come you are sure that no one is better? Yes you can look, but how far you will go to pursue your own happiness? One’s happiness is as free as others’, is it not?

I think everyone wants to be happy. Even people who do arranged marriage. I once read that people, basically, would never want to be alone. So, even if you are alone and happy, at some point, wouldn’t it be horrible if you look into a mirror and the reflection looks back is a lined, old face with deep sadden eyes, full of regret and loneliness? It could happen, which is why, people do match-making for their friends, some even like clock-work. maybe one thing more awful than that is to be with someone who is constantly making you feel degraded and inferior. But at the beginning, the promise of youth and the bright future might cloud that misery long enough to lure someone into arranged marriage, or a hasty one. But after they faded, the youth and the physical attractiveness has gone, people have added weight and grow some lines, what will happen?

I know I am being a bit close minded and judging here, but I just can’t wrapped my head around the idea of arranged marriage.

Anyway, again, people wants to be happy. One simple goal, but various complicated ways to go there.

Probably in choosing the one, that is still the same goal. Heck, that is the goal.I think and I do hope that people in the beginning, won’t settle for something less. I hope that at the beginning, people genuinely think that they already get the best they can muster. I hope that when my time comes, I will not sitting nervously before the ceremony, chewing on my nails and smear my make up because I am nervous and wonder if I have make the right choice; whether my parent’s or my friends’ choice is the right one. I want to be blissfully happy and can’t wait to be married, and of course, I’d hope the same from my spouse. I don’t want marriage of convenience. Still I wonder if there’s any marriage of convenience that last long. Eventually, love or contempt will come, and that marriage wouldn’t be so convenient anymore.

Anyway… in the end, I think people don’t have various reasons behind how they are choosing the one. But they do have different standard. Standard that is influenced by education, environment, life style, friends, families, and so on. Some people won’t settle for other than perfect match. Some will be willing to accept slow burning fire that will not explode, but will always be there, giving subtle and stable warm. Some opted for a firework-kind-of-fire that will start magnificently but will burn out as fast.

People don’t like to be alone. I think when you lie next to somebody that will listen, comfort, or correct you whenever you need them, or ready to give you a simple but much needed hug, or to do your tie when you can’t do it properly, who will make time to find your favorite pair of old shoe or jumper; those are signs of that much sought and discussed love. It comes in different ways. But I think love is like a beauty; people rarely describe it properly, but the kind that will be recognized when people see one.